After being in a relationship for nearly two and a half years that was a rollercoaster of emotions, finally getting off it, I don't know how to feel honestly. When you are in a situation like that, having to tiptoe around what you say, having really great days but the bad days are something you never imagined. You try to get out and they manage to keep you there with promises of doing better and changing. But nothing does change, and if it does, it only stays that way for a little while. This person was the first one I truly loved and felt as though I had finally found the person I would spend the rest of my life with. To watch that all go down the drain and the mask be pulled away and they revealed who they truly were broke my heart. All that time, energy, and love given to someone who didn't give it to me in return. Feeling alone in a relationship is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life.
The only thing you can do is grow from it, and to let go of the past and everything that happened over those two and a half years. I know what I want now, and how I know I deserve to be treated. For anyone out there in a toxic relationship, you can get out of it, you can break the cycle, you just have to be strong enough to do it. It'll be hard, it'll be stressful, and it'll make you cry, but the freedom that comes with it. That is worth all of it.
These past few months being single have been the best feeling, I didn't have to tiptoe around my words, worry about someone else's feelings for once, and I got to put myself first. I've taken myself out on dates, made some really amazing new friends (y'all know who you are), and focused on making myself better. I have little spells where I miss him, and the good times we had, but the bad almost always outweighed the good. Take time, make yourself better, and just have some fun.
This has fueled my writing and I wanted to share a poem that came to me;
I have my moments
Where I wish for your warmth,
Your eyes,
Your smile,
Your voice,
And the happiness they brought me.
Until the feeling of sadness comes in,
Reminding me.
Of the pain that comes with their absence.
Until I realize again just who the hell I am.
And how peaceful my heart is,
Knowing you won't bring me sadness ever again.
This poem still has some tweaking and needs a title, but it will get there, and it reminds me of the strength I have inside me, and I hope it does the same for someone else.
