I hate the holidays, there I said it.

When I was a young girl, I would watch the movie "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" with a healthy amount of fear in my heart. The Grinch was depicted as a harsh, intolerant being with a despicable spirit. Around the holidays, he was determined to ruin it for everyone. Never did I imagine that I would grow into a young woman with a distinct dislike for the holiday season that rivaled the Grinch's own distain.

I wasn't always like this. As a young girl, I was enamored with the lights and holiday cheer. It began with Thanksgiving, warming me up. Family members would come from far and wide for our traditional feasts and I basked in the glow of the gatherings-sitting cross-legged with the adults listening to stories of old times. My enthusiasm peaked as soon as Thanksgiving was over, because we all knew it was merely days from the greatest holiday in a child's life. I couldn't wait to see my family's face on Christmas morning or taste the food from the feasts that night. Presents underneath the tree beckoned me to shake them, testing the corners of the wrapping paper when no one else was awake. If I could secretly get into one of my dedicated presents, you better believe I would. I believed in the 'Christmas spirit' and I loved it.

Somewhere along the way-not too long into my existence-everything changed. My father's parents died, leaving a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon amidst my family. My close-knit family feuded, sending each aunt and uncle that I knew to the farthest corners of the States. My parents got divorced and then got remarried. I gained new siblings and new family, yet somewhere along the way I was lost. The lights were no longer as bright, and the carols didn't warm my heart like they once did. I didn't know it then, but my childhood had been ripped away, leaving me as an adult in a small tyke's body.

Without the buffer of a child's mentality, I began to see the world for what it really was. Suddenly, I was turned off by the idea of Christmas and Thanksgiving. I couldn't begin to describe how distorted I thought the holidays had become, and I definitely didn't agree with the way my split family operated during them. All I could see were people with unthankful hearts boasting about their thankfulness and there lay the problem.

I'm sure you've seen it in these past weeks. Thanksgiving was a mere three days ago and people have the unfortunate habit of boasting about their 'thankfulness' right before such a holiday. Now, I give some credit, they truly are thankful. Most, however, are only sharing their good fortune in hopes of sending a sidelong glance to another. It infuriates me to no end. When did we become so self-absorbed that we could not share a simple holiday that was meant to remind us of our beginnings, the good and the bad, without trying to boast of our good fortune. There is a time and a place for praises to God people, but even then you must be tactful.

Here is what I mean: countless men and women posted about how thankful they were for their children, only to verbally assault that child later that day. Unfortunately, I have been on the receiving end of that facade and let me tell you... It's not fun. Countless men and women will post about how thankful they are for certain luxuries and yet speak unbearable words to someone or about someone during Black Friday. They will all speak words of thankfulness and not harbor a thankful heart.

I believe it's a much deeper, more reverent holiday. I believe the same thing about Christmas. I believe that both holidays are meant to fundamentally change your heart and spirit. Thanksgiving is a time where introspection is required in order to full grasp the holiday. Without it, the sheer magnitude of our blessings will be lost upon us.

I often fail to truly grasp how blessed I am, but I certainly make a valiant effort. I try to understand the magnitude of what has been bestowed upon me, and what has been taken from me. Each time, I feel a little more successful and end Thanksgiving with a little more overflow from my heart.

Christmas is the same way. I aspire to truly understand the love that Jesus has for us. Instead of focusing on presents or gifts that only appeal to my vanity, I desperately seek to impart love and wisdom with each person I interact with. Often, it is my own mortality that impairs me, but my effort is still there. I don't want people to think that my only concern is with worldly possessions.

I want them to see me and see a heart so full of Jesus that the love is overwhelming. I want to be so terribly honest that they can both relate to me and feel the Jesus within me. I do not wish to be blemish-free, I wish to be Jesus-filled. That's what the holidays are about for me, making my heart more true and becoming more like Jesus. I refuse to accept the stigmas and status quo that passes through our world. I will not pretend to be like everyone else. I will be myself, flawed and imperfect as that may be and I will find more Jesus within myself every time.

So I hate the holidays, and I hope you do too.