I don’t like grieving. That’s a ridiculous statement, I know; nobody likes grieving. It’s sad, depressing even. Grieving reveals a lack of control over situations and acknowledging that is immensely difficult for people like me. I’m currently grieving my grandfather’s death; his physical death that is. As a Christian [knowing he is as well], I grieve with hope because I know my grandfather is in Heaven and I will see him again. And yet, I’m still grieving.
There’s not much logic to sadness [thought I supposed a psychologist could make an argument for some]. It’s not something to just “snap out” of. But I know truth! I know this doesn’t have to be sad; I’ll see him again! I cry this to my heart and yet, knowing truth and living in it aren’t always the same thing. Not being able force myself to be happy because of truth I'm sure of [in spite of grief] produces the anger and bargaining; the cycle continues. It’s ugly, but it’s not wrong. Experiencing feelings of frustration and sadness are not wrong; it’s all about how we deal with it.
Grieving is sanctifying. Walking through this season feels horrible. The security of what once was is gone. Facing the mortality of my loved ones is scary. Being forced to experience the all-too-true fact I have very little control over things is unnerving. Walking along trying to piece together a new and different reality is confusing and almost feels like betrayal at times. In all of this, I must keep coming back to God. He is constant when nothing else is. He provides redemption in even the messiest of situations. He is love when I feel forgotten or afraid. God never fails.
There are nights when I didn’t seek Christ. They were ugly. The pain of being left behind feels awful. Recognizing my commitments on earth, the loved ones I have here and the exciting times ahead are great, but what if I just feel guilty for momentarily not wanting them anymore? Just for a moment, I promise. In all of this, God’s grace abounds. The One who lifted me out of shame and disgrace continues to build me up; He continues to gently guide me back to Him. I keep falling, yet God is so patient He never reacts with harshness. [Of course, because He’s God right? Yes, but can we really comprehend this love? Again and again He is faithful, even when we are not.]
Through this season I am learning what it means to be loved. God is showing me where I’ve built walls that need to be broken through by steadfast grace. I’m learning about just how little I am in light of His power and just how valued I am in light of Christ’s sacrifice. Grieving is revealing ugly parts of my heart that need to be guided back to truth. My pride in “having it all together”, my need for control, my selfish motivation that sometimes I don’t even recognize as selfish, all of these things are being steered back towards my perfect Savior. Being made into His likeness is taxing, but the reward of understanding God’s vast love is more than worth the effort. Throughout this season I’m falling in love with my God all over again. I’m also growing to love my fiancé in a new way. The place of broken vulnerability isn’t comfortable, even with those I love most. His faithfulness and compassion are giving me an earthly glance into the love of my God. I am reminded once again my grief is not without hope.
