When I walked into Starbucks on Tuesday, I thought I was paying four dollars and eighty-seven cents for my morning cappuccino, not an entirely new perspective on life, politics and humanity. The barista talked to me about the importance of unity and togetherness as he waited for the cash register to process my payment, and, having seldom encountered these two concepts prior to this purchase, I began to think about my life from an entirely new point of view. I did not hesitate in the slightest to empty the contents of my wallet into the tip jar, pausing only to request that my donation be distributed evenly among the employees of the shop. I felt a pang of regret at not being able to offer my greetings to each of them individually, being that I had to rush to work. I did, however, make a note to order everyone a fruit basket later in the day.

My walk from the Starbucks to the train station was little tiresome given that one hand was occupied holding a steaming cup of coffee while the other waved unrelentingly to every passerby. (I refused to stop even when the muscles in my arm contracted painfully –– I felt that I would be dishonoring the cup if I ceded my efforts to dramatically improve the day of complete strangers by offering them a cheery Hello!)

Instead of eating the lunch I had packed for work, I spilled its contents all over my desk and invited homeless inhabitants of the four-block radius surrounding my office to take what looked most appetizing to them. I met many wonderful individuals through doing this, and am now preparing a Thanksgiving dinner for twenty-three more people than I had anticipated. Alas! All should take part in one of America’s most hypocritical er, sacred festivities. After work I sprinted to the bank a promptly liquidated all of my assets, donating them to various charities. I wrote a letter to my landlord encouraging him to do the same.

My biggest remorse of the day was being unable to persuade the proctor at my local voting precinct to allow me to change the vote I had cast a day earlier. I thoroughly explained to him that my political attitudes had altered completely upon purchasing my cup of coffee earlier that morning, but he informed me that the vote was cast and I might want to look into professional help. Some people can be so narrow-minded.