As I’m sure you are aware, several innocent cities and towns across the nation have been plagued by a CLOWN INFESTATION. That’s not really a sentence I’d ever thought I’d say. But yes. There are clowns. On the loose. Roaming around the streets we call home. Terrorizing people. Wreaking havoc. It’s wild.

This clown hysteria is making us unassuming college students go crazy. I never had a fear of clowns as a child; at birthday parties when all my friends ran away in fear, I would go right up to the friendly, colorfully cheery clown to get my balloon animal and walk away with a smile on my face. Even as I grew older, people dressed as “creepy clowns” for Halloween or in movies with growling teeth, wild hair, and perpetually angry eyebrows didn’t really faze me much. I’m scared of pretty much everything, but clowns just never really felt particularly frightening to me. But those days are gone. With the prospects of being fiercely attacked by a raging clown while walking across the campus I know and love, how could I not be shaking in my boots at the mere thought of one of these menacing circus villains?

The clown-mania phenomenon began mid-August in Greenville, South Carolina, where clowns were mysteriously spotted lurking in the woods. These clown sightings were incendiary to clown conspirators popping up and spreading this terror everywhere. Arrests have been made on countless clowns, and this madness has since reared its ugly head in dozens of states from California to New York City in what is being called the “Great Clown Panic of 2016”. Schools have closed for safety, college dorms have been on lockdown, police departments have sent out preemptive warnings against dressing as clowns for Halloween, some of the more innocent professional-birthday-clown-folk have begun utterly ridiculous “Clown Lives Matter” rallies nationwide… Our country is in a massive clown frenzy that cannot be tamed. All jokes aside, this is scary stuff.

All I'd like to know is

why? Why clowns? Why now? Why us? Just why. And they’re rapidly approaching. No one is safe. They were at Cedar Crest. They were on Tilghman. I’ve seen the pictures. This general progression leads me to the calamitous conclusion that MUHLENBERG IS NEXT. I’m not clowning around here. Stay safe out there, folks.