My grandmother passed away in February. Many emotions rushed through my head in the weeks that followed, but not one of them was how her passing was going to affect Thanksgiving.

Now that we are only a couple days away, that thought is all too present in my mind.

Each year, most of my family gathers in Lincoln, MA at my grandmother and grandfather’s house for Thanksgiving. At the very least, it was always my immediate family, my grandparents, my great uncle, my aunt and uncle, and my two cousins. If it was a special year, my other two aunts and their families would make the trip as well. If you knew my family, you’d know they are crazy, so we always had a fun Thanksgiving holiday that lasted for the next couple days. Our newest tradition was bowling on Black Friday, to give you an idea 😉

Last year, it was a Thanksgiving like any other, and while my grandmother wasn’t walking around as she used to, she was still as spirited and happy as ever, and the traditions continued. I am a grateful person, but at the time did not know that it would be the last one like it- otherwise I would've cherished it even more than normal. Of course, when someone passes, you never know when the “lasts” may be.

This year, the various members of my family will be celebrating Thanksgiving more spread out than I’m used to. My grandfather will be in Virginia with some of my family, and my Thanksgiving will be celebrated at home, with my parents and brother. I love my immediate family, and so expect it to be enjoyable, but it will be odd having so few people around the table- we’re definitely not going to be buying an 18-pound turkey, I can tell you that!

The thought of not being with the rest of my family is upsetting, especially when Thanksgiving is often one of the only times out of the year I get to see them.

Not only will I miss my family, but I will miss the traditions we shared together.

Our Thanksgiving tradition was something I came to rely upon and looked forward to. It was an expectation and a constant in my life each year, even when everything else was different. Even years when my aunt and her family could not attend I felt like we were straying from tradition, although the rest of the holiday was the same.

Knowing I was going to spend those 2-3 days with my immediate and extended family gave me a sense of comfort and of belonging. I am close with my family, and feel very loved and accepted when I am with them.

And, believe it or not, I also came to expect the craziness and fun we would have at Thanksgiving each year. Our tradition would not have been the same without it.

Our Thanksgiving tradition gave me a lot, as it did for the rest of my family.

I’m sure I will still experience some of these things this year, because I will celebrate the holiday with my immediate family and the food will be the same, but it will only be a fraction of what I’m used to.

All of this has led me to thoughts of how I can move forward, and accept the changing of traditions. My grandmother is gone, and I must accept that fact and the consequences of it. Thanksgiving, Christmas- these will no longer be the same, because my grandmother will not be there. But I do not want to dwell on this fact. Instead, I want to honor my grandmother’s spirit by still having just as much fun as she would have if she were still here.

Just as there are traditions that may last for years and even decades, change inevitably comes along. In my own family, we created our new tradition of bowling on Black Friday just a couple years ago, and it soon became another thing to look forward to.

Traditions can sometimes slip into our lives without us realizing it at first. Years may pass during which time the tradition is solidified, but until something changes, we may not have even known we had a tradition. They just become built into our expectations.

My family’s circumstances surrounding Thanksgiving this year are set, and I know I can’t change them.

All I can do now is look ahead and get excited about the potential of building new traditions, guided by the spirit of the old ones.