It's been going on five years since I lost you and it's still so hard. I think about you every single day. There are so many things that I wanted to tell you that I never got the chance to. I never thought that your time on this earth would end so quickly. I wanted you to see me grow up, graduate, get married, have kids... None of that happened.
I still remember sitting by your side in the hospital, telling you that it would be okay. That the pain would be over soon. The pain had ended for you but just started for me. I tried so hard to stay strong for you and for everyone else, but it eventually got to me. I couldn't hold it all in anymore and the only thing I wanted was for you to hug me and tell me that it would all be OK, even though I was thankful that you weren't there to see me like that. I remember how badly it hurt you to see me hurt. I held your hand as you took your last breath. I still hold onto your hand to this day.
I never knew that losing someone could be this hard. All I've wanted for the past five years was to talk to you one more time. I wanted to tell you that I loved you one more time. I wanted to thank you for all that you did for me over the years. I wanted to tell you that I still remember those days at the park when you'd push me on the swing for hours, then we'd go back to your house and have fish sticks for lunch. I wanted to tell you that I never blamed you for what happened and I never stopped loving you. I missed you so much for all of those years that I wasn't there. You were the only person I could talk to on the phone for hours and not get tired of. I never got to tell you those things when you were here.
I talk to you now, but I don't know if you hear me. I hope you do. I can feel you there when I need you the most, but it's not the same as when you were really here. I can talk to you, but I can't always hear what you say back. Sometimes I can just sense it, but it's not always when I need it. When I see the birds sitting on my windowsill chirping, I know it's you. Whenever I hear your song, I know you're there with me. Every time I look at the tattoo I got in memory of you, I smile at all of the memories we shared.
I can't do much more than keep those memories alive and continue to talk to you, whether you hear me or not. I still don't know why God had to take you from us so soon, but I look forward to being able to see you again. I hope you're standing there waiting for me when I finally get to you. I hope you tell me that you're proud of me and that I made the right choices in life. I am writing this with tears in my eyes because of how much I miss you.
I will always be your babygirl. Until we meet again, my angel.
I love you.
