It is hard to put into exact words what I feel when I think of you. I can tell you some of the emotions I feel bubbling inside of me if you want to listen. At least I hope you're listening in some form that is. Although, you may not like some of them and I don't blame you. I never believed you to be angry with me under any under circumstances, so I am almost positive that loving heart of yours will let some of this slide. Let's start this out on a more positive note, yeah?

Love.

...obviously. How could I not feel love when it comes to you? You were so great at showing it and feeling it. How could I not reciprocate the feeling? You were my favorite grandmother and I will always cherish those loving memories I have of us, which are quite a lot if I do so say so myself. I have so many fond memories that I am rattling my brain for one to write into this article. I want to try and make your memory come back to life, but it's hard.

I think I will go with that time we were baking something. We were always baking when I stayed the night at your house and I regret not continuing that tradition into my teen years because now I will never have another chance to do so with your presence there. Anyway, that time we were baking you accidentally added an ingredient that you weren't supposed to add. I believe I brought it to your attention that, "No, grandma! That doesn't go in there!" I started laughing because you started voicing your signature giggle. You then scooped it out and told me, "No one will ever have to know." They know now, though, don't they? I miss activities such as those ones.

Happiness.

It was hard not to feel happy when you were here because you radiated such positivity and it is still hard not to feel happy when thinking of you now. I had never heard you say one bad word toward anyone in my lifetime. You were always such a lovely and nice woman. You always treated people how you would have wanted to be treated and I believe that let you live a wonderful life. Whenever I walked into your home I would immediately feel joyful because ninety-five percent of the time I would walk in and you would have your radio turned up pretty loudly. You always enjoyed music and with that playing in the background you were either cooking, doing a crossword puzzle, or reading a magazine. That made me happy to know you were doing something that made you happy. You took some of that happiness away when you left us, but I understand why you needed to.

Humor.

Without fail you would always cause me to laugh. Whether it was how you cackled when something funny happened or when you used to roll your eyes at grandpa when he was being too sassy for your liking. I miss giggling underneath my breath at those things. I miss laughing loudly with everyone when you would do something silly because you were a tad bit clumsy. You wouldn't get mad though. You would always laugh along with us. I wish I could tell you I remember what your laugh sounds like, but I don't. It's started to fade along with your voice and I hate that, but life goes on. I promise you I will never stop laughing and remembering how you made everyone laugh as well.

Sadness.

I felt sad when I knew you were sick. I felt sad when I knew you were hiding how much pain you were in. I felt sad when I knew you weren't going to last much longer. I felt sad all the time when I saw you, but I never let it show because I didn't want to make you feel worse than what you already were. I never understood why you were the one to receive this illness and pain. I still don't understand. You were a great person. You never put harm onto any others, so why you? It isn't fair and it never will be. I miss you so much that I can't express the amount of pain and sadness I still feel every day of my life. You were the best and I hate that you're gone and never coming back.

Anger.

Not anger toward you, but anger toward myself. How could I have stopped visiting you so frequently? I despise using the excuse that I did not want to see you in any pain. While that is true, I still think that I shouldn't have let it keep me from coming to see you. You weren't able to do much anymore and having your family come visit you made you thrilled, but sometimes I didn't tag along and I'm mad at myself for it. I regret not coming to see you more often, but you have to understand that it was hard to see my once very active and enthusiastic grandmother turn into this woman who didn't smile anymore. I understand why you turned into this person, I do, but it was just so hard. It was also hard in the end when you didn't even know who I was anymore. I apologize deeply from the bottom of my heart that I didn't come to see you more often and I hope you have forgiven me because I will never forgive myself.

Pride.

This took a dark turn didn't it? Let's forget about the sad emotions I just expressed because I want to let you know something. I am extremely proud of you, grandma. I am proud of how well you handled everything while you were sick. I am proud of how you didn't always let this disease overcome you. I am proud of how strong you were throughout this entire time in your life. I am so proud of you and I wish I could tell you, but I have a feeling you're listening and watching. If you are, then please never stop because it brings me a sense of comfort that I know you are always here with me whether you make it known or not.

I love you, Grandma Betty. I love you and I miss you so much that it hurts my ever so "cold" heart. You're probably laughing at that statement, right? "Oh, Courtney! I know you're softer than you seem." Yes, you are right. Never stop proving me wrong even from beyond.

I miss you. I hope you're having a killer time wherever you are.

Love your ever so wonderful and favorite (again you're probably laughing) granddaughter,

Courtney