I think about the future all the time. I always have. I never pictured a future without you being a huge part of it. Now, I am forced to think of a future without you in it. What might have happened if you were here? What's going to happen now that you aren't here? I am left with tons of questions and no answers.
I think about my college graduation day a lot, even though it is two years away. Two years from now seems like a long time but the five months without you has flown by faster than I could have ever imagined. I've dreamed of college graduation my whole life. The college I would be graduating from and what degree I would be graduating with may have changed, but actually graduating has remained constant amid all of those changes. It's that day that means I can actually start the rest of my life. It's the day that justifies all my sleepless nights and stress-filled days. Graduation day is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. I'm sure it will be a happy day for me but it won't be the same without you there.
Graduation day was supposed to be a day with you by my side, cheering me on as I walk across the stage. I will finally get my degree, and I will be another step closer to being the nurse you always knew I would be. You were my biggest supporter, whether either of us knew that at the time or not. I still hear your praises in the back of my head when I do well on a quiz or when I gloat about nursing and how much I love it, even on the bad days.
Sometimes I still catch myself wanting to call you to tell you things about school. When I remember the reality of the situation, it never gets easier. I relive losing you and how much I miss you. You wouldn't want me to be upset, but some days I just can't help it. There are going to be many moments in the future when I wish you were still here to be a part of. I know you are up there cheering me on, but I would give anything to have you cheering me on down here. I would give anything to see you smile as I walk across that stage knowing that I finally did it.
Sadly, graduation day will still come even though you will not be there. And when that day comes, I will be proud of all the obstacles I overcame and I will be proud of the sleepless nights and stress-filled days. Yes, it will be sad without you there to be a part of it, but it will also be life changing. I will be proud of becoming who you always knew I could be, even when I myself didn't know I could.
So as I'm walking across that stage on graduation day, I hope you know that I wish you were there. I hope you know how important it is to me that you are proud of me and my accomplishments. I hope you know how much of an impact you will always have on my life. I hope you know that I'll never stop missing you. Most importantly, I hope you know that as much as I did it all for you, I did it to prove to myself that I could. And I'm going to be the nurse you always knew I could be.
