After spending thousands of dollars and many sleepless nights studying, recent college graduate, Richard Stevens, finally realized that his relentless pursuit of a four year degree has been a complete waste of time and energy. When his college career began in the fall of 2011, Stevens foolishly believed that the courses he would take in the field of Broadcast Journalism, would prepare him to become a high functioning member of the workforce. He would soon learn, that the courses he enrolled in would prove more worthless than the $400 sociology textbook that now doubles as a plate during his nightly feast of Ramen Noodles and Mountain Dew. Last week, Stevens emerged from his parents basement to speak about his moment of enlightenment:
“I guess the first red flag was when they made Freshman Seminar a requirment for all new students. You basically spend a bunch of money to have someone tell you how to be an adult. It makes me wonder if the administration understands what we’ve been doing for the past 18 years of our lives.”
Unfortunately, Stevens' frustrations extended further than the classroom when he spotted his tenured professer shopping at the same discount grocery store as him:
"At first glance, I just thought he was a bargin shopper. But after we bonded over a mutual love of the new chicken mushroom flavored Ramen, I knew that he and I were equally screwed."
Stevens thought it suspicious that students were being asked to pay nearly $30,000 a year for a piece of paper, while a seasoned professor was forced to eat sponge flavored noodles every night. According to Stevens, things got really out of hand, when he began interviewing for jobs after graduation. The once ambitious graduate, spent hours perfecting his resume only to find, that when it came time for the interview, his years of experience were tossed aside like a greasy fast-food wrapper and ignored throughout the entire interview process.
"I tried desperately to plug the fact that I earned a degree but all they did was smile and nod while I attempted to fake my excitement for a drone-like job."
Fortunately, the college experience wasn't a total loss for Stevens. On graduation day, he recieved a Suma Cum Laude Honor Cord for his academic achievements. He hopes to use said cord as a strangulation device before the first student-loan payment is due.
