I've never been one to fail often. I like everything I do to be done well. Even if it means being the weakest link on a winning soccer team, I want to win. Even if it means studying for two straight hours before a test most people aren't thinking about, I want the A+. And when it comes to Christianity, I want to be good. I want to succeed at loving Jesus and loving Him well. I want to be the one who gives up their life so that others can know the deep, deep love of Christ.
But here's the problem - I'm a wretch if there ever was one. I'm a hypocrite to say the least. I firmly believe in the power of God's word yet sometimes I go weeks without flipping a page in the book. I encourage church attendance yet sometimes I skip. I say "don't play that music around me"... and then I listen to it on my own. I fail often and always. In the battle between my flesh and the Spirit, I often surrender myself to the flesh and not God.
I don't want to amplify my sin just because. You see, I firmly believe that God is most glorified when we see our sin for what it is - as dark as can be. Because in spite of my sin, His loves seeps into every facet of my life overwhelming me with His infinite grace. When contrasted with my filthy sin, His purity is incomprehensible.
For several years my four year plan has hinged on two very specific jobs. I told myself (and God) that I needed these in order to accomplish my goals.
So earlier this year, when I received an email letting me know I would not be hired in one position, my heart sank. I knew in my mind that God had something better. I didn't mean this in the material sense, but in the Romans 8:28 sense that all things work together to good for them that love God. The problem? This belief was in my head, but I didn't trust it in my heart. It sounded something like, "yeah.. I guess he's got something better but I'll probably have to suffer. It probably won't pay enough for school or let me go anywhere this summer. I'll be stuck at home bumming off my parents, asking for money when fall rolls around". That's what unbelief sounds like, in case you wondered.
But no. Just a couple weeks later, my Mom texted me with a wonderful job opportunity. Beaming with excitement at this huge answer to prayer, I had to humbly admit my distrust. God did have something better. And it wasn't just better in the long run. It was better in the moment, better in the long run, and undoubtedly better than anything I could have planned myself.
Guess what? I didn't get the second job, either. Despite having all the qualifications, affirmations from current employees, and excellent reviews, I did not get the job. I believe that's because God knew what I needed more than the job. I am endlessly thankful for where He has placed me noW because it is far superior to anything I could have imagined. What a blessing it is to love God, who knows our needs better than we, and provides in beautifully unexpected ways.
