I have this habit that I cannot seem to shake. It has persisted for as long as I can remember. I don't know if it's a necessarily bad habit, I just know that it permeates every relationship I have.

Letting go is my absolute last resort.

Logically, I cannot do much in a situation after I have let go. But getting to that point, the point where I actually move on, has always been my last choice. I wish that this persistence was rooted in something good and pure and lasting. However, I've done it long enough to know why I continue. I am terrified by the thought of losing someone. It is beyond me to think of life without the people who fill mine during this season. Of course, I know better. I can easily think of a dozen people who played critical roles in stages of my life who I talk to rarely or not at all. I know that there are several whose names I cannot remember and who probably don't remember me. I have accepted that. I have moved on.

And yet here I find myself once again, at the end of one journey and the beginning of another, unable to let go of people who no longer take part in my story.

Honestly, I know that they no longer wish to be players on my stage. If they did, they would make time, make an effort, make it obvious. Yet, I still cling to the sliver of hope that maybe, maybe, this time is different. They are really just busy or tired or not in a place to be my friend. While that may very well be true, I need not keep holding open a door that gets heavier every second.

This week, I took a step to make my long standing habit a less toxic one. Instead of standing in a doorway struggling to keep contact with someone on the other side, I tried something new. I left the door open with something much stronger than my own desire. I propped it open with God-given grace. I let the other person off the hook, free to live their life and make their own path, but I gave myself the same freedom. I let myself move on because I know that grace and forgiveness leave a much greater impact than I ever could. I hope that they can see that the door is still open wide and that I will always be on the other side. I am beyond grateful that He took this desire to fix and hold other people by reassuring me that if I can't live without Him, I can't help others without Him.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast." -Ephesians 2:8-9

So to those I've let go, I pray that you see the grace and hope. To those who struggle to let go, I pray that you can find comfort in His grace. And to those who have recognized the doorstep between us, thank you for always reminding me who holds it all.