Thoughts of a struggling college kid...

I was born and raised in a super small town in a school system that did not seem so large to me at the time. Throughout my educational career I found schoolwork to be simple tasks and rarely struggled with much. In an average pool of students I was often ranked above the average. Advanced placement tests were easily passed and grades were never of concern. On top of everything, I was a student athlete and involved in a variety of clubs, and my parents already felt as if they had a right to brag; heck, I felt as if I had earned the right to brag just a little. So, college courses, dreaded final exams, and hardcore professors were never a fear, but maybe they should have been. Maybe I should have been terrified. Maybe I should have been shaking in my boots, or in this case, my flats

Upon entering college I was fearless to all of the warned evils. I had no reoccurring nightmares of failing 8 a.m. courses or oversleeping a huge final. After all, I had graduated high school with an almost perfect GPA. I had sported cords of many colors, and medals clanked together as I strutted across the stage to accept my diploma that I had worked toward for four long years. In my eyes there was no need to worry, but maybe I should have thought of what others expected of me and what I typically expected of myself. The truth is that my high school did not fail to prepare me, but I failed myself.

My freshmen year of college was both the best and the worst of my life. I learned so much about the world and myself, but not always as much about my courses. I forgot homework assignments in order to make room for social events and skipped study hours to grab speedy freezes with the girls. When I look back I take full responsibility for losing focus and skidding off track, but I regret little to nothing. I find the task of regretting sacred moments spent with the best and truest friends I have ever had impossible. We should never regret the moments where we were truly happy with ourselves and everything happening around us. We should never regret the smiles and laughter. We should never regret our mistakes because that is what shapes and prepares us for the future.

Viewing grades and my GPA often left me with a nasty taste in my mouth. Honestly, I grow sick simply thinking of those numbers and letters. The issue would be that we as students, and a society, allow test scores and final exams to determine our worth and overall intelligence, but I have decided to change my outlook. I have become scared of school and checking my email, simply because I hate the feeling of possibly not being good enough for some people. From now on I refuse to allow my GPA to define me as a person. I have gone through most of my life believing that these decimals stand between me and happiness, and that is a truly sad thought. What's simply funny now is that I realize that these numbers will not stop the earth from spinning, keep the sun from shining, thunder from clapping, or me from living. No matter the numbers and letters assigned to my student ID I will still be doing the exact same things I had planned for a typical week. I will still sleep in, prepare for vacation, attend church, not wash my hair for a week, and binge watch whatever show I've chosen to obsess over on Netflix.

I know exactly how many minutes I studied for my last exam. I was the one who stayed awake for 36 hours straight in order to complete my final project and forgot to eat. I sat in the library and typed page upon page until the words began to run together and the sentences no longer made sense in anyone's mind, not even my own. I prayed for every waking minute to do my very best and to make my family, along with myself, proud. I prayed for guidance and strength along the way. My parents, siblings, and professors did not witness this, but I endured every single minute. My faith defines me, these actions define me, and I think they define me well. So maybe my instructors did not agree with every decision I made and my parents failed to be happy, but those numbers are just that, numbers. Those numbers are not me, and I refuse to accept that people truly believe that.

I choose to remind myself every morning that I am intelligent and I do deserve second chances. I choose to remember my accomplishments, rather than my failures and mistakes. I choose to push forward and repave my path when I lose focus. I choose to fall seven times, and stand up eight. I choose to ignore the haters and stand strong in my faith. I choose to believe that my GPA does not define me. I choose to travel the path less taken by the struggling college student and allow my actions and faith to speak for themselves because in the end, only God can judge me.