As a 26-year-old, divorced, single mother of a three-year-old, some may say that I don't have enough experience to have truly loved someone at this stage of my life. They have judged me for marrying my first love at 19 years old. Some others pointed fingers at me and wished for me to divorce my then-husband. I am 26 years old and have nearly had five significant others in my life. I've pushed my education aside at a young age for love and family. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person, yet, I felt pressured by society to prove to them that we were capable of beating statistics. Yet again, the statistics, the pressure and financial problems were victorious. By 24 years old, I was legally divorced to the father of my child.

Some time came by and I've met a handsome man where I previously worked which caught my eye. Even though society kept telling me to date him for the wrong reasons. I wanted to date him for all the right reasons. All the reasons which my heart was telling me to do. He was handsome, oh so handsome to me. He had the most beautiful blue eyes in the world, the soft blonde hair and he was kindhearted to everyone in his path. He truly made me happy. I would have dreams of walking down the aisle with him. I would dream of him holding my heart in his hands and vice versa. I fell deeply in love with him because my heart was telling me to do so. Our first date was magical, you can say. A complete gentleman with all capital letters. Every so often, he kept sending me the most beautiful flowers in the world. Once a week, as clockwork I would look forward to flowers being sent to my office, to extravagant romantic dates and for everyone to see what a true gem I've fallen for. The doubts from failing kept arising from my mind. The thoughts of divorce haunted me from many many corners. The many thoughts of this guy in which he may be too good to be true. The thoughts of "why?" and "how is it possible for this guy to be single?" haunted my head at all times. At the end of the day, all I ever wanted was just happiness as every fairy-tale entails. I have gone through the deep end with my previous marriage, and I was truly blindsided by this man's beautiful crystal blue eyes. Months passed by and I was extremely happy to be with him. He would call me his sunshine and would truly make me laugh with his quirky self as well as his unusual sense of humor. Due to many many circumstances, it was time for me to leave the area where I was living and he eagerly asked me to move in with him. He asked me to leave all my furniture and just bring clothes, if possible. The big move to the South, about 14 hours away from my friends and family. I was completely speechless at first. Doubting if in fact it was too soon to do so. Yet, I just wanted him to hold me in his arms and truly make me feel safe as he has before. After many sad nights as well as many arguments, I convinced my ex-husband to agree to have share out-of-state custody of our child. He accepted, hesitant yet he accepted. I was ecstatic. It was my dog, a small 7 year old Yorkie-poo and I who started the unexpected trip to the south. We were all so ecstatic to start a family all over again.

Many thoughts in my head and many dreams to achieve. Many weeks came by and many trips back and forth to drop and pick my son up from his father. I was so exhausted of driving such long hours every two-three weeks but I knew it was all worth it. Every now and then, I kept noticing changes on the man whom I truly believed was the love of my life and my soulmate. He was easily irritable and all he wanted to do was just stay indoors. Many arguments would begin with only asking an innocent question. Some work, family and financial stress was involved. There was a sense of different energy around him. After feeling insecure of my stability in his home, I wanted to go back to my family. I was also feeling homesick. I wanted to hear my mother's voice and for her to tell me we were going to be okay face-to-face. There was a point in where the tears couldn't be held back anymore. I felt as if I was a stranger in the house. Here I am, in a house where I couldn't say it was mine because it truly wasn't. I had nothing to my name. I felt like the odd man out and felt as if my heart was breaking into a million pieces. The dream of having a family with him was a simple dream which was never going to be achieved. The thought of failing again was not only affecting me, but my eating habits as well as my entire character. Here I am, a 25 year-old, having to accept the defeat from her heart again. My heart failed me again. All the argument and bickering made him say terrible things about me and I felt that I had to defend myself with the same comebacks. He finally asked me to leave his life and his home. It felt like a bucket of ice-cold water had been poured on me and my entire future. The comfortable life with this man had been shattered in a thousand pieces. The man who I thought I would walk down the aisle had been vanished. The day that I moved out was one of the most painful days of my life. I fought day and night for things to be different. It was useless. I drove back to my hometown, a small town in Pennsylvania. A 14 hour drive with my three-year-old and my dog. Tears would come down my cheeks every so often yet I kept hearing a small voice in the back seat, "Are we going home, mommy?" "Why are you crying, mommy?" All I could say to him was "I'm okay and we're going to be okay" with a fake smile on my face. He gave me strength and to look forward.

Some time went by, every now and then I would hear from him. After several calls and several texts messages along with heartfelt apologies. He admitted what he did was a mistake and asked me to come back. After several days and nights of thinking it over. I agreed. I moved all of my things along with my son back in with the love of my life. Life was perfect at the time. It was the real deal. Things were going as planned. We kept dodging bullets as you may say with usual relationship mishaps. But we made it. Just the thought of it made both of us smile. We had several conversations about marriage, family and our future overall. I was on cloud 9. So, for some reason, life decided to throw a huge curve ball at us. He was diagnosed with a health issue which there was a chance of terminally ending our dreams. The "C" word. One of the most fears anyone could experience. I remained hopeful yet he was already digging his grave. It was suddenly, a successful, healthy man currently going through what he thought was a punishment for everything he may have or not may have done in the past. We went through his first cycle of treatment together. We went through losing his hair to the stomach pains as well as the hot flashes. The second treatment started and the nightmare begun. I would prayed every night for his soul to be saved. I prayed every night for this nightmare to be done. Seeing him in pain would make me be in pain and wishing things would reverse and come to me instead. I wanted to be in his position and for me to have every symptom he had at that time. I became his punching bag. The treatment made him bitter and angry all the time. I blamed myself for not being with him. Thinking to myself that I may be the caused of it. One terrible night, I was under so much pressure to be perfect and understanding of his situation and an entire bottle of wine later, an argument led to the worst. I saw myself packing my things again. All over again. I wanted to end my life at that exact moment. Thinking that I've caused everything and that I made him the way he was by not being understanding. The perfect woman. This time, it was only my dog, my clothes and I. I've cried so much the entire way home. My tear ducts were dry. I am blessed to have parents who supported me and gave me positive energy. I have friends who were understanding of my situation and wanted me to do well. I understood that this is what he wanted and I wasn't going to battle him for him to see my way.

I started my life all over again, I found a perfect job, with perfect friends. My life was looking bright again. I started to smile again yet in the back of my mind wondering where and how he was. Suddenly, he contacted me again. I was happy to know he was okay. I was sad to know I wasn't there holding his hand. But I knew he was okay. All of his treatments ended, finally! and he asked me again to be with him as his partner for life. He promised he would never do the things he has done to me. He asked my hand in marriage and we were engaged! He asked for my parent's blessing and they agreed. They understood where he came from and why things happen in life. I was happy. He was happy. Here comes marriage, here comes our dreams again. He was cured of his illness with no signs of anything else.

Three months passed by, and family issues happened. Many lies and manipulations from all ends came by from several individuals. At first, we were ready to battle them together. Yet, frustration, desperation to losing someone in his life was on the line. He was given ultimatums. He had to choose on who to rely on. This was something which was going to change everyone's fate and he chose to not choose me, again. He needed to break someone's heart and he broke mine as well as what he had previously promised to not do this again. Yet, after everything he has done. I continue to care for this man. How is this possible? I've also realized that I may have a bull's eye on my forehead. I am the easiest target to get rid of or just maybe only temporarily. Maybe he's confident that I am able to come back. I couldn't answer that and still can't. After every tear, I've poured for him. My heart, mind and soul remains loving someone who tends to continuously choose everything else but me. Why?

I hope someday to understand that love doesn't have to hurt this much as it does right now. They say pain teaches us lessons in life. As I write this, I still am in pain and tears still come down pouring down my cheeks. But I am strong and confident to continuing being the person on whom people have always counted on. The comical woman in which has hope for this world and has faith in people. Sometimes trusts easily, get hurt easily but always forgives. Maybe, this wasn't my turn to love or be loved and maybe the fact that I overthink everything as well as doubt some decisions I make are still tough for some people to understand but I'm still me. I still want to be that person who wants to be courtship and genuinely loved by someone. I continue to pray, not just to surpass this but for everyone who has touched my life to be well. The Good and the Bad. I've come to understand that God is in control and he is the only one who could guide me on the right path. After everything, I hold no grudges as I said, I tend to forgive easily. But I can't let anyone take advantage of my kindness and sensitive heart. I can't let these bad experiences take control of my future. Hate will only bitter my heart and my mind which is the last thing I need in my life. We only have one life to live and I want to be able to experience this life without any darkness within me. So, what should I do? I've set goals which I will complete. Starting off by stopping to overthink every minuscule thing that comes to mind and BE HAPPY. Hopeful to whatever the future holds! Smiling, of course! No matter how much hurt I may be holding in my heart. I am blessed to be alive and to be me. I am blessed to have faith in myself and to continue walking with my head held high. The dreams and plans which I've had didn't work out but now its time to look for another outcome of this experience and continue looking forward to tomorrow. A true blessing in disguise.

This is my story.

With Love,

Claudia