A whisper here, a whisper there.

“He said...”

“She said…”

“Didn’t you know…?”

“I can’t believe that she…”

Gossip surrounds us as a culture, and unfortunately, women seem to be more aligned to talking about one another. And it isn’t always negative, which is the scary part, because no one seems to have any trouble with it. No one realizes that “good” gossip is just as toxic as “bad” gossip, and it’s becoming a problem.

When people talk about gossip and right speech, they usually only talk about "bad" gossip: talking badly about someone behind their back. Talking badly about someone to someone else, because they want their feelings and actions validated. We are warned not to do this. It's bad manners. It ruins friendships. You never know what someone might be going through. All of those cliches.

Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but gossip is gossip is gossip is gossip. And it's all destructive.

No one ever talks about "good" gossip. “Good” gossip is about as obvious as it sounds: talking about someone else, but in a positive way. Not how you might think, though. “Good” gossip is the idea of sharing things about one person with another, and even though the words can be positive, they’re sharing information that isn’t anyone’s business. For example, your sister is getting married, but they haven’t told anyone yet. But you desperately want to tell your best friend, because you’re in the wedding and you get to wear a cute outfit and jewelry and you want someone to be excited for you. So you tell your best friend, who, not knowing that the news isn’t public yet, tells her parents who mention it to their friends, and at some point, you realize that a lot more people know than they should.

But you didn’t say anything bad! The news was good! Your sister is getting married! “That isn’t gossip!” you might plea. “Everything I said was true, and it wasn’t bad! It was happy news!”

True, but you’ve robbed your sister of the chance to share her news. Good gossip, bad gossip, it’s all the same. It pulls apart relationships rather than bringing people together. Talking about people intentionally, even if you’re saying good things about what they’ve told you, doesn’t mean that it’s anyone else’s business. When does it become less of you saying good things about someone and more about giving their life story to a third person who wasn’t in the initial conversation? That’s when the good words become gossip, and that’s when it starts to become destructive.

It’s not only women, though women seem to want to talk about one another more often. But everyone can learn from the idea of right speech. We want to build one another up, not tear each other down, and learning when not to talk about someone else is a good way to start. Why do you complain to your friends about your roommate? Why do you decide that it’s appropriate to tell a friend about a mutual friend’s religious decisions without them being there to explain? When does the “good” gossip become just as bad as the “bad” gossip, and when will we learn to stop?