Summer is a weird time in college, especially the first summer back. You've reached adult status. But, as per usual, you most definitely aren't treated like one. You've just spent an entire year on your own trying to figure out your life, and you get thrown back into this old one that feels somewhat like a distant friend that you no longer knew as well as you thought you did.
You spend 18 years of your life in the same place just to leave it for nine months and come back a complete stranger. The question is, are you a stranger to your hometown or is it a stranger to you? I think it can go either way and for me — definitely the first one. Coming back to this town, where I made so many memories, suddenly felt off. I wasn't sure at first what it was, but something was strange. It almost felt as though I had stepped into a time machine that brought me back to high school. The town I once loved hadn't changed one bit. You would think that would be a good thing, right? It was as if someone hit a pause button on life here, so it would be ready for me to come back and press play just in time to do all things I used to love so dearly. How convenient right? I get my old life back just like that.
The only problem is I don't want those things anymore.
You see, my life has changed so much in the past nine months that it would be almost impossible to go back to the way everything once was, and yet it just seems so hard to let go of. I've fallen in love with this new life I get to live at school. I've fallen in love with the person that it turned me into, but I also haven't fallen out of love with this old life here.
It's like all of a sudden I'm a part of a love affair between my two lives — both of them are begging me to choose one. My hometown is all I've ever known. How can I let all of that go just because I had a fun nine months? What are nine months in comparison to 18 years?
The first couple of weeks back, I found myself feeling pressed to make a choice. Do I simply fall back into my old life, even though it's not really what I want anymore? I mean, it's only a few months, right?
One day, I finally realized that it isn't something I have to ghost completely. I don't have to let every part of my old life go to live my new one. I think that's the most beautiful part of this life. We get the opportunity to move through all of these different seasons, as well as to pick and choose what we bring with us into the next one. Sometimes, we may load up all of our bags with the memories as we move into the next ones, and other times we may bring nothing with us but the lessons they taught us. The best part about it is that when you take something with you that doesn't mean you have to hold onto it forever. Everything you bring along as you walk through this life has a purpose, even though you may not know it. Sometimes it's even the not so good stuff that you're still carrying with you can be used to change a life somewhere down the road.
So, to my "old life," thank you for giving me all of the beautiful pieces that I will carry with me forever. I hope there aren't any hard feelings, but there are just some parts of you I don't want anymore. Thank you for the beautiful times. I hope for nothing more than that somewhere someday I get to use everything you've taught me to make a change.
And, to this big beautiful crazy life, please use these experiences that I bring from this past season to change lives. Remind me of the great joy that comes from living in a small town, and allow me to create new joy for others the same way people here brought happiness to me. Remind me that there is beauty in the small things, like watching a sunset on the outside of town. Allow me to look for the little things wherever I go.
Remind me to never forget this time of my life.
Remind me that there is also so much out there left to live.
