For the past two weeks, I have been going to the gym. During the first two days, I told none of my friends that I was going to the gym. However, because Williams is a very small college, I kept running into people that I knew. I would be on a machine, and they would walk in and see me. I nod and smile at them. They nod and smile back. They were maybe slightly surprised/impressed to find me here. In the gym. Exercising. For people who barely know me, they know I like books and watching movies/TV shows. Those are my “things.” Exercising is not my “thing.”

During the first week, I had a paranoia that people judged me. I thought they would judge me that going to the gym was my New Year’s Resolution. And because of that, they would think that I’m just another fat guy. Another fat guy who will stop going to the gym after one day. I know it sounds ridiculous, but there was no logic to my madness.

But a New Year’s Resolution does have negative connation. It has become a mockery to have a resolution. Some people even go in thinking that it would probably fail. And the media never makes us forget how much they fail. According to data by Statistic Brain, only 41% of people usually keep their resolution. And 42.4% of people never succeed to improve their situation. I was in the same boat in years past. I made a resolution to lose weight. Every year. I felt motivated because it would be the year that I’m skinny. I felt that I would finally be accepted by everyone else. But by February, I went back to going to the bodega every day after school and buying snacks. Society have become cynical about New Year’s Resolution. And so have I.

On my Facebook Feed, I loved seeing videos about New Year’s. In one video, a man with a Kevin Spacey mask takes off the mask. And the person behind the mask is Kevin Spacey. What a twist. But I loved it because the caption said, “Me in the New Year” or something to that effect. I couldn’t stop laughing on how true that was. People do not change automatically. This is not the movies where the main character realizes the problem and the next scene is the happy resolution. Life is much more complex when people become self-aware. It took me years to admit that I had a problem with eating, especially emotionally eating. And now it is taking more years to lose the weight.

I am not at the gym to lose weight. That is not why I am going to the gym. I am going to the gym to make feel better. I want to love myself more. I stopped equating the gym with only losing weight. I have a goal. A goal for self-love. I am sick and tired of hating my body, of hating myself. I never loved myself. Hell, it took a couple minutes before I think of something I love about myself. And then I would answer with, “I don’t know.” That realization just happened to occur at the New Year.

Going to the gym is still difficult. I do not feel totally comfortable in that place. I feel out of place among all the fit people. And it is hard to feel motivated to go. But I still go for an hour a day for five days per week. And that is an accomplishment for me. For someone who never went to the gym in my life.