"Jonna, I sensed the Lord whisper to my tired soul. You have a Martha spirit. You're a good girl wanting to do the right thing. But sometimes you do it the wrong way."

As I came across that passage in the book, Having a Mary Spirit, all I could think about is how much I relate to the author, Joanna Weaver.

Since I could remember, I had always attempted to be the girl whom walked the narrow road, made sure I had my week planned out detail to detail, strolled out the door with my hair picture perfect, and had all my ducks in a row before moving on to the next task. However, just as I attempted this "well thought out way of living", I came up short almost every single time.

A sense of frustration would overcome my heart every time I would fall short of my high expectations that I tended to set for myself.

As years passed and God sent people to me who spoke that, perfection is not the ideal way to live, however, life is evolutionary process to become a better version of yourself with each new day that God gives us. This helped me a turn a new leaf in my life. I am not going to say that the light bulb turned on over night, nevertheless, it took five years of not only touching the surface of my soul, but digging down deep revealing, page by page, how God made me and revealing my spirit.

Throughout my walk with God there were countless lonely nights spent crying out to God, questioning why I was misbehaving the way I was when everything in me wanted to overcome those sinful acts and evolve into a lady, not just a lady, but a woman that did not live for my own desires, yet, what God desired for me.

Undoubtedly, I was misunderstood most of my life- to put it mildly, however, undeniably I gave people every chance to misjudge me, as most times my actions did not match the path I strongly desired to walk.

I conclude, I even misunderstood myself most of my life.

It was not until God spoke through a youth pastor, and told me that it was time dig down deep and figure out what I was dealing with not only my misconduct, but mentally.

Again, I will not say that I took heed to what he said and received the help that I needed right then, but I understood that I was, too, dealing with mental illnesses as many people do.

I was not naive to the fact that I had to go through the suffering to learn the valuable lessons that God taught me in those valleys. Still, the overwhelming amount of guilt, shame, and disappointment that filled me, did not make me feel like I was the Christian woman I at times that projected to outside world.

Though, I knew that God had a purpose for me that was much greater than what I was- because even when I fell off the wagon, went through dry seasons, deep valleys- I still cried out to God to lead me to the light and rid me of my human flesh.

I remember praying to God that when I turned 21 that He would open a door for me and make me turn a new leaf.

I knew the woman I wanted to be, but I also knew the woman I at times enjoyed being. The party girl whom at times had a wandering eye, loved to be the life of the party.

At the moment, I was not saying that letting your hair down and having a great time made you an ungodly person, however, I knew that I enjoyed being that girl a little too much and more often than I had a soft spot for. It was inevitable a red flag that I overlooked, but was leisurely revealed to me through the Holy Spirit, in time.

I knew that in order to become the woman God intended me to be I would have be set apart from worldly activities, my free spirit, and follow God's path.

Since I came out of my mother's womb I always knew that I dealt with a mental illness. As my mother would say, you could say, "boo" to me and I would without a doubt, cry. I seemed to have a difficult time controlling my emotions, so I would just weep, shut down, and even fall into seasons of depression- that at times took a toll on my whole being. I continued to wonder why people did not always treat me righteously, but never realizing, until that night, that the problem may have lied within myself.

God heard my cry. He knew who I desired to be. He knew I wanted to become better, and with the help from God and others, I was led the road to recovery.

It was not until I had a stroke that I was taken into the emergency room and got healing from God that I was set apart from my old flesh, and made new.

As I was admitted to the hospital for the very first time in my life, I was fearful of the unknown. However, I remember saying on the way to the hospital that God was going to heal me and I was going to overcome this- and sure enough, He did.

That night as I lied in the emergency room I vividly remember contacting people to let them know that I was going to all right, and that I was in the hospital that night to get healing from God.

That evening I was given a new life. I received a golden ticket to Heaven and got healing from God.

He also listened to my desire that I wanted everyone to love one another as God has loved us.

I remember my youth pastor telling that me God would use me as an instrument if I was obedient to Him- and even though I fell short every single day after my baptism at the age 16, all the way to 21, I could not let go of the fact that I knew that God had more in store for me.

More love.

More joy.

More life.

More freedom.

More peace.

More understanding.

I went through a party season, and even had a wandering eye that I was not proud of, I always found myself on my knees crying out to God to change me.

I never wanted to look back on my life and see the person I saw looking in the mirror that I was not fond of.

I wanted to be set apart from my old flesh, the world, and my own desires.

However, in order for me to get where I stand today I had to look in the mirror and be vulnerably honest with myself and admit that I had a problem bigger than my own self.

That is when I was diagnosed with Bipolar and Psychosis. Two mental illnesses that are manageable with medication, therapy, and a well-rounded support system- all that God has provided me with.

He made it evident to me that I was much more than my mistakes, that I was sacred, and that I am child of God no matter how many times that I had fallen down.

He knew that I would get back up. But with only the help from Him- I could stand up, wiser than I stood before.

Create in me a new heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

I am appreciative to say that I am no longer the woman I once was. I am more than I once was, now that God has revealed the path He has intended me to walk. I no longer count on myself to make decisions for my life. But rather, with each new day, I learn how to live in God's timeline, not mine.

My love for children has always shined, however, I prayed to God that I would not bring children into this world until I healed from the inside out, and become a woman of Christ, attendantly, not just thoughtlessly.

And just as I helped myself, He helped me and answered my prayer, and gave me the fruit of life- motherhood.

Now, I am not saying that I will be a perfect mother, however, I can confidently say as I walk in to this new journey of my life- I am ready, not because of my own preparation, but because I know He goes before me and He will not lead me astray... He will prepare me, and mold me for this journey.

I put down this today because I remember writing my testimony a couple years back, acknowledging how God has worked in my personal life, however, He has continued to move mountains and I cannot help but share with others how God has helped me overcome in a way, my sinful, human self.

God does not expect us to live the "perfect" life, but, He does pray that we dig down deeper and evolve as our holy makeover rids us of ourselves, and makes us more like Jesus.

To accept the Holy Spirit and the Lord's rebuke, even when it sets us with discomfort.

As you read my testimony today, I pray that you see God in a different light.

I pray that you know that He is with you through valleys and mountain tops, and even in your dry seasons when he/she chooses to have faith, even as small as a mustard seed, He can take further than you can fathom.

Nobody said life was easy, it is even said that it is not, however I hope you never lose sight of God and how He works in each and everyone's life.

His reckless love He has for us, makes me stand in awe. We owe it to Him, to give this world back to Him... and I pray that with each new day He gives us, we do.

Being confident of this, the He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:6