Two Gods One Planet

CHARACTERS

JEHOVAH, starting his own world, wants to be worshiped, very eager

ZEUS, mischievous, required to help set up JEHOVAH’s planet

TIME

4.54 billion years ago

PLACE

Heaven

(A table and two chairs. JEHOVAH is standing away from the table and ZEUS is standing downstage of JEHOVAH with his back to him)

JEHOVAH

Let there be light.

(Lights come on)

ZEUS

So you just say stuff and it happens?

JEHOVAH

Yeah! Pretty nifty, huh? I call the light “Day.” and the dark “Night.”

ZEUS

So you created some things you wanted to show me?

JEHOVAH

Yeah, Zeus, look at these.

(goes to sit down at the table)

I think I finally figured out what I want on my planet.

(ZEUS turns toward JEHOVAH, walks to the table and sits in the empty chair)

ZEUS

Woah, what are those? They look so cool! What are you calling them?

JEHOVAH

Dinosaurs! Look at how many horns this one has!

ZEUS

Jehovah, these are cool. I really like them.

(JEHOVAH stands)

JEHOVAH

Let the Earth bring forth these creatures, Dinosaurs.

ZEUS

You’re calling it Earth?

JEHOVAH

Yeah, it sounds cool.

(JEHOVAH moves his hands starting together up in front of him, moving away from each other in a downward arc while looking up to his side as if he is seeing something)

Earth.

ZEUS

Yeah, that’s pretty good. Sounds pretty… solid. (Snaps finger guns on the word ‘solid’)

(JEHOVAH sits back down)

JEHOVAH

Haha. Look at them, all milling around.

ZEUS

They look happy.

(turns to the audience)

I wish I could create things for my own planet.

(turns back to JEHOVAH)

JEHOVAH

I am a happy god, that I have created something so wonderful. Shall we talk in terms of payment?

ZEUS

Not quite yet. Let’s make sure everything goes well first.

(turns to the audience)

I have a little plan to make sure it doesn’t.

(ZEUS pretends to hear something)

Oh. I have to go, another planet to sell. I’ll be back as quick as I can!

(ZEUS exits. JEHOVAH is left sitting at the table, chin in hands, staring at the tabletop)

(silence)

JEHOVAH

(sighs)

There goes a velociraptor. Poor thing. (beat) Maybe I should have made all the dinosaurs herbivores…

(A loud crash is heard offstage, JEHOVAH watches the table and then screams. ZEUS runs onstage)

ZEUS

Jehovah! Are you okay? I was on my way back when I heard you scream.

JEHOVAH

My dinosaurs! (beat) They’re all (beat) Dead.

ZEUS

(turns to the audience)

My little plan worked out quite well.

(turns back to JEHOVAH)

Oh no! Is there anything I can do to help?

JEHOVAH

What can I put on my planet now?! All my dinosaurs are gone, and the Earth has split into pieces! (starts to cry)

(ZEUS walks over to JEHOVAH and places his hand on JEHOVAH’s back, moving it in a soothing motion)

ZEUS

You can always create new things. Maybe some smaller creatures. Animals?

JEHOVAH

Animals? (sniffles) That sounds like a nice word. Let’s create some animals.

ZEUS

(turns to the audience)

I kind of feel bad for destroying his precious dinosaurs. I guess I could help him out.

(turns back to JEHOVAH)

Yeah. Maybe some that fly? Or swim, since there’s a lot of water.

JEHOVAH

Yeah. I have an idea for a swimming one. It’s gotta be big. Big enough to eat everything else. But. It doesn’t.

ZEUS

Um. Okay. What are you going to call it?

JEHOVAH

A whale.

(JEHOVAH looks at the table.)

Look there’s a few now.

ZEUS

They are really big.

(ZEUS sits down at the table)

Are you going to create anything else?

JEHOVAH

Yeah. Birds.

ZEUS

Birds?

JEHOVAH

They will fly with their wings and have feathers and lay eggs with smaller birds inside of them. They live in trees.

ZEUS

Okay… Anything like us?

JEHOVAH

No. Birds are what you call animals.

ZEUS

I meant are you going to create anything like us? Any intelligent life?

JEHOVAH

Well, I was thinking of creating these things. I’m not really sure what to call them. (Points to a spot on the table) Here, look at what I have so far.

ZEUS

(scratching his chin) Hm. Maybe if you separate them? Instead of having two heads and four arms and legs, maybe separate them?

JEHOVAH

Oh, yeah! That sounds like a good idea. I felt like it was maybe a bit much, but I wasn’t sure how to fix it.

(JEHOVAH stands)

JEHOVAH

Let the Earth bring forth these creatures, Humans.

ZEUS

Sick name, Jehovah.

JEHOVAH

I think we are ready to talk terms of payment. My planet is doing well. And I sense it will do well for many years.

ZEUS

What did you have in mind?

JEHOVAH

Well, I put my humans in this place I like to call Greece.

ZEUS

That’s a cool name.

(JEHOVAH sits back down and points to a place on the table)

JEHOVAH

That there is Greece. There is a mountain there. You can name it. It can be the figurative house of you and your family. I am giving Greece and its surrounding islands to you and your family. The people of Greece are now for you.

ZEUS

Thank you. This is a very kind and generous offer. You have helped me very much, Jehovah.

(turns to the audience)

Now I can be more than the son of the god of time. I can set up my own place with my own people. I can finally be free.

JEHOVAH

It is done.

ZEUS

So it is.