Lord, I don't understand what's going on but I want to be honest.

I only trust you this intimately. I trust you with my soul. I trust you with my heart, mind, body, and spirit.

If I'm being honest, I don't like what you're allowing in my life. I don't like what I'm going through with people, self-esteem, and past failures. I don't like the way you're teaching me to love people that you have shown me to be an enemy.

Sometimes I wish they didn't see me the way they do because my failures wouldn't hurt so bad. Sometimes I wish you hadn't revealed things to me about people at all but then I wouldn't feel it. I wouldn't feel the pain of what they did to me so how would I learn how to love the ones you call my enemies?

It's funny because I remember the time you placed me in a situation like this in a relationship with the closest person to me. This is how it always goes. Why would you teach me to love my enemies with people that I barely know or that I'm barely around?

This is tough. This is tougher than I thought and I'm ashamed that I was even prideful enough to joke about being able to handle this weight as an immature Christian. I know that you already saw this coming, how I would handle it, how tough it would be on me and more but I want to apologize anyway. Please forgive me for my pride and thank you for constantly humbling me.

I'm always tired so much that I've allowed it to be on my tongue when I speak to others. I feel conviction every time I say it.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I just wanted to follow you. I just wanted to bring Glory to your name with my life. I wasn't raised with this "bumper sticker" faith. That's not what Mommy taught me. That's not what Daddy taught me. That's not what Aunt Shelle and my Grandparents taught me.

I didn't know there would be any persecution at all. I didn't know and now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this and I need your help. I didn't know they would label me. I didn't know they would point the finger at me so much. I didn't know they would try to tell me who I am before I could even open myself up to show them.

Why are Christians treated this way? Why did they do this to your son? We just want to follow you and live for you. We just want to represent you and shine that light you put within us into the world. We just want to bow at your feet and praise you.

Thank you for teaching me to worship. It's crazy if you told the younger me that I run home to worship rather than find new Neo-Soul artists on Soundcloud, I wouldn't believe you.

I just love being in your presence. I just love you. I just love being around you. I just love who you are.

It's not about me. It's not about my faith. It's not about my will. It's not about my preferences. I'm not here just for me. I'm not battling just for me. I'm not wrestling just for me. I'm not studying all the time just for me. I'm not confused all the time just for me. I'm not walking by faith alone and it's not just for me.

I live for you, Lord. Only you.

Show me how to be like you. I keep getting cut. I keep getting hurt. You told me to keep flushing my heart anyway and sometimes I don't know if I can take it but show me how to get back up. Show me how I need to move now. Show me how I need to think. Show me how I need to pray. Show me who I need to be around. Show me who I don't. Show me who I should give my attention to and who I shouldn't. Show me how to love them anyway. Show me, Lord. Show me.