I usually write about things I know or think that I know, but today I'm writing about what I don't know. I hardly even know myself but for some reason, when I was 17, I made a life plan for myself. I wanted to go to a prestigious university, then go to Yale for law school and become a lawyer. Slowly, but surely, my plan has unraveled. People always tell me that God has a plan for me, and I know that, but I just always thought that God's plan for me was the one I came up with when I was 17.
"You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will." (John 13:7)
The thing is, I'm not God. I don't make the plans. When things started to come apart, I thought my life was coming apart. I didn't choose to go to a prestigious top tier university; I chose the school that offered me the largest scholarship, and allowed me to continue pursuing my passion that I'd excluded from my original plan: dance. Right there, my plan changed. I chose a different school than I thought I would and I decided to double major in English and dance, minor in history, and try to dance ballet professionally before attending law school.
"Nothing can stop God's plan for your life." (Isaiah 14:27)
A year and a half passed and my plan changed again. It got more and more challenging to make a schedule that allowed me to take the dance, English, and history classes I needed to graduate on time. I took 21 credits and felt overwhelmed all semester long with depression, constantly feeling like I was failing at everything, when in reality, my grades were spectacular. I was so focused on getting perfect grades, and having a competitive resume for law school, all while being all too hard on myself in dance. I made the difficult decision to drop down to a dance minor, and only take ballet classes instead of taking all the drama and dance classroom courses. I also decided that, while I love learning about history, it's not absolutely necessary for me to pursue a history minor. This was a much simpler way to accomplish my goals in dance and law, but for so long I was so wound up in "my plan" that I didn't want to make edits because that's scary. It's not my plan, though, it's God's plan, and he doesn't need to make edits because it's all perfectly thought out.
"You can make many plans, but God's purpose will prevail." (Proverbs 19:21)
The most difficult alteration to my plan was letting go of my Yale obsession. After serious consideration, I have no idea if I actually want to be a lawyer when I'm done dancing. I don't know if I should hold myself to a plan I made up when I was in high school. I started to wonder if law school was part of God's plan for me or if I only decided to pursue a degree in law to make myself feel smart. My pride and obsession was blinding me from all the opportunities around me. Maybe I will go to law school, but obsessing over getting into Yale years before I even apply isn't going to increase my chances of admission. Perhaps fixating on my own plans was preventing me from seeing God's will.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
I'm realizing that I was wrong about the things I was so confident that I was right about, but I'm only 20. All I know is that I don't really know anything. I'm not sure where that path I'm on will take me, but I know I need to let God lead me. It's not like I will take my GPA any less seriously than I did when I had my sights set on Yale, or focus on dance any less than I did when I was a Dance Major, but I'm going to make a conscience effort to keep my eyes open for all the possibilities out there. Life's a journey that I can't go on alone, so I need to let God be my guide, and stop pretending that I'm in charge.
