This generation's point of view on love is more confusing than organic chemistry. Maybe it's because of social media, or read receipts, or the steadily increasing amount of mental illness in America. All I know is I thought that once I got to college I finally had it figured out. It took me about 18 years to figure out what I wanted from a significant other, and then God laughed at me and told me I was wrong.
All throughout high school, I had never had a steady boyfriend. There were boys that I "talked to" or spent large amounts of time with, but never a certified, homegrown boyfriend. As a normal teenage girl, it ate away at me. "Why don't I have a boyfriend?" "Am I not pretty enough, skinny enough, too loud?" Over time, my self-doubts turned into a lowered self-esteem. That lowered self-esteem (among other things) then hardened me, and I became a much less bubbly and more curt person. When I started college, I was not prepared for the lessons God was going to teach me.
Lesson 1
Getting to college, my harsh personality softened a little when I joined a sorority, and I met many new people, boys included. Interactions were made, dates were had, drama ensued, so forth. I became infatuated with a boy that I had just met a few weeks before. Looking back now, I see why he could find it all too much. He ended up pretty much telling me I was crazy and we cut things off. I was devastated like I never had been before. I even cried, which I'd never done over boys until then. One of my closest friends ended up being the channel that God needed to tell me that in that point in time, I didn't get what I wanted for a reason. I wanted someone just to say I had someone, therefore I wasn't really loving them. I'd never thought about the fact that our significant other is a person just like we are, with real feelings and real opinions. We just want them to text us back, like our pictures on Instagram, and come over whenever we call. But God wants us to admire our spouses. He wants his hard work to be truly appreciated. He wanted me to see the difference between infatuation and love.
Lesson 2
After the storm from bachelor number one, I took some time to play the field. Naturally, I found out that only meant one thing, and quickly told all of my new bachelors I was no longer interested. I recognized one day that I felt feelings for someone I knew was not interested in me that way. I maturely explained that we weren't looking for the same thing, and interestingly, I got a positive, mature reaction in return. I found out that when you speak up honestly about what you want, people will react surprisingly okay with your choices. I know that not everyone is that accepting, but luckily I don't tend to associate with narrow-minded people. God used this opportunity to remind me of the self-respect my mother taught me. He wanted me to see that just because someone is willing to be present doesn't mean they are deserving of the love I have to share, and that my feelings are not irrelevant when compared to what a man wants.
Lesson 3
After that mature breakup(?), on my newfound search for someone who understood monogamy, I went on a set of dates with a very nice boy. The first date was fantastic, 80's movie storyline and all, seven hours total. (A girl does the math.) The second date was nice, but I found myself, well, bored. I clung onto the relationship's potential as the good morning texts stopped coming and dates became difficult to plan. It took being practically ignored at a party with our friends to realize I was done. The only thing my friend from before, with her all-knowing wisdom had to say when I dramatically texted her was: "But you didn't even like him!" And there it was. God was reminding me that I need to recognize that I deserve someone I will love, not just any average Joe. Just because someone expresses interest in us doesn't make them our future husband. Recognizing that this person isn't the love of your life is actually part of respecting yourself and what you want in life. God wants us to be happy. Not just satisfied with settling, but truly happy.
So in total, God spent about a year laughing at what I thought love was. Thankfully, he used that year to teach me that a relationship isn't supposed to be hard. It should involve two people who want the same things and respect each other. I know now that I have to focus on myself so that I am prepared when my someone comes along. Because if they're someone that wants and deserves me, I should also deserve them.
