I want to express to everyone who reads this how grateful I am to be alive. I want each and every one of you to know that you have impacted my life in so many different ways, I have been changed forever because of these experiences I have shared with you. To those of you I have hurt, I am truly sorry, and to those of you who have hurt me, I forgive you. This life is far too short and too great to spend time holding grudges. This life is too beautiful to waste time being angry with any of you.

There are moments in life which cause you to reflect, and these moments tend to be the most real events of your life. Eventually, life hits you and you stop playing pretend because you have no other choice but to face reality. For me personally, in the events of losing loved ones to death, I have come to know a truth of life all too well. I have witnessed how transparent we really are, how quickly and easily one can cease to exist in an instant. I’ve watched as dreaming ends, reality strikes and a seemingly concrete life evaporates right before our eyes.

I’ve looked into the eyes of dying loved ones and put myself there with them, held them close, felt their warmth, their love… fade into memory. I hold onto these memories because they make me human. I hold onto these memories because these were the times I had no one else to turn to but God. In the transition from this life to the next, it is just God and I. In these moments, I am wounded, I hurt, I rage and burn and fall apart. In these moments I am destroyed, but in these moments it is just God and myself.

Have you ever lost touch with reality, completely crumbled to the floor, broke into bits and never wanted to be put back together again? You are shattered, you can't move, you won't move. Have you ever fallen down the rabbit hole of despair, collapsing into an empty abyss? Have you felt the drop in your stomach, as the pit deepens in the moment of understanding…this is real?

Recently, I’ve watched two grandparents pass away. I’ve watched both my Mom and Dad lose one of their parents. I’ve watched as they lost the ones who raised them, who took care of them and made them who they are today. I know one day I’ll have to go through the same thing and I know that when that day comes, I will lose two of the most important pillars of love and happiness in my life.

My mom has always been there to keep me happy, to give me what I needed and sometimes what I wanted. She is my source of love and comfort when I need it, she is my safety and shelter from the storm.

I watched this summer as she lost her own mother. To the very end she cared for her, even if their relationship wasn't the sturdiest in the past when the time came and my grandma ultimately needed her, my mother was there. She learned patience, tolerance, and forgiveness. All of these traits I hope to embrace, to be there when loved ones need me most. I have nothing but respect for my mom, she is an example of toughness, having the storm thrown at her with nothing but her family to brace the winds. She is saintly in my eyes, she is a gift to the world.

My dad has been here from the beginning and forged me into a man. He is my guide in how to push past my limits, persevere through the tragedies, and work hard for what I want. He has shown me how to lead with faith, be strong in faith and love in faith. I am my father’s son.

I witnessed my dad lose his father to ALS. I watched as my grandfather, who was hard as steel and larger than life, deteriorate into a shell of his former self. I watched as my dad took care of his dad in death, as he held it together for the family, as he was there for his mother and siblings. It is in these moments character is defined, and strength is tested. I am grateful for a role model like him.

I know one day too I will have to say my good byes to my parents. I hold on to my loved ones because these memories keep them alive in my heart. I am growing stronger and more deeply in love with this life. In these moments of the greatest loss, one can find God waiting, listening and caring. These moments of loss are his way of teaching us to surrender, to give in to his will. When you finally come back to him, the most painful moments in life are transcended into something beautifully painful. It’s an opportunity to step outside of the mind, and go “Oh shit, we really don't live forever do we?”

I will hold on to the memories of those I love and keep them close to my heart until my last breath is given and taken away. In a beautifully painful memory, I have shared a moment with God.