I usually go home to see my brothers. I would say I go to see my parents. But I fight with my dad every time I go home and my mom is usually working all the time. Even though I do still enjoy seeing her for the small amount of time I do go home. And it isn’t just to see my brothers but to be there for them too.

They are both growing up so fast. And I have a guilt that keeps building up because I can’t be there for them while they have those every day 16-year-old and 11-year-old “day-to-day struggles.” Whether that be school, girls, friends, church, or fighting with mom and dad. I can’t be there for them how I thought I would be. How I wanted to be. I live almost three hours away without a vehicle to see them as much as I would like.

That is one of the things that sucks about growing up and going to college; I miss out on seeing my brothers blossom into the unique and beautiful individuals I know that they are becoming. Even now as I am writing this, it feels like I am making this more about me then them. But I want to be that good big sister that they can open up to and talk to whenever they feel the need to talk. I want them to know that they can share their secrets with me. I want them to be able to talk to me whenever they are feeling down. I want them to just let me know that I am still their sister. Their sister that they love and want to be with all the time because they miss me.

I have been feeling so disconnected from them this past year, actually ever since I moved out of the house to attend college. But mostly this past year because I have been visiting home less, which means I see them less. Now, I am just trying to go home to see them and spend time with them.

Many things have been getting in my way to see them. I don’t have a car, yet. I don’t have a lot of money to even get a car soon. I don’t really have the time to because I am always working on the weekends or am busy working on homework.

Hopefully, after I graduate in the next month and get a “normal 9 to 5” job. I will be able to save enough money for a car and save enough money for gas so that I can visit them more often. And so I can visit them on a more regular basis. Regular as in, every other weekend.

I am hoping to be there for them a lot more from graduation on. Because Taylor is getting older and he is going to be moving out of the house soon and so, then I will see him even less. Ayden will be the only sibling living at home after Taylor moves out to join the Air Force. So, I would like the really visit a them a lot more now while they are all in the same place. However, it is just so difficult with so many obstacles in the way. This makes me one frustrated sister.