1) Jeff Sessions, Attorney General

Major: Definitely not African-American studies, if you know what I mean.

Typical Starbucks order: White chocolate mocha, emphasis on the “white.”

Favorite spot on campus: Anywhere that doesn’t smell like weed. In fact, he once told his roommate, “I thought the Ku Klux Klan was okay until I found out they smoked pot.” Unfortunately for him, a student overheard his conversation, and, well, there goes any opportunity for him to run for ASUC senator in the future. Tsk tsk.

2) Betsy DeVos, Secretary of Education

Major: Education with a minor in social welfare… LOL, just kidding. She’s undecided.

Typical Starbucks order: Pumpkin spice latte.

Favorite spot on campus: Too busy hanging out with some of her rich sorority sisters on Greek Row to go to class. Manages to write utter drivel on her Anthro essay and still get a barely passing grade, similar to how she was cleared to become EdSec only after VP Mike Pence broke the Congress tiebreaker. (I mean, she thinks guns should be allowed in schools in case “the grizzlies come.” Can you get any more stupid than that?)

3) Rick Perry, Secretary of Energy

Major: Rick’s been too busy trying to juggle school and football, so he hasn’t had the time to figure out what he wants to pursue. Underwater basket weaving, maybe?

Typical Starbucks order: Sweet tea lemonade.

Favorite spot on campus: Rick’s morning includes two hours of intensely working out at the RSF and five hours of football practice on the field. He then returns to his spacious double in Clark Kerr, but when he realizes that he forgot to study for the next day’s midterm, all he can possibly say is “Oops.”

4) Ben Carson, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Major: MCB--Neurobiology, pre-med. He also wants to dabble into pre-law, but no one has the guts to tell him that it really isn’t a good idea. No, seriously. He’s not cut out for pre-law. At all.

Typical Starbucks order: Silly Americans. Coffee is not healthy! But, if you insist, Ben really likes the new smoked butterscotch latte.

Favorite spot on campus: Ben doesn’t really like spending time on campus. The Suitcase Clinic and Berkeley Free Clinic weren't his style, so he spends every other day and weekend at Alta Bates. When he’s not shadowing neurosurgeons and working at the hospital gift shop, he sits in his room at Foothill, studying his butt off for his next Chem 3A midterm.

5) Steve Bannon, Chief Strategist and Senior Adviser

Major: Literally anything that isn’t related to racial/cultural diversity, feminism, LGBTQ rights, or science. Which rules out a lot.

Typical Starbucks order: Vanilla bean frappuccino. The color of the drink is white, and Bannon is, y’know, a white supremacist.

Favorite spot on campus: The Berkeley College Republicans kicked him out of their organization because he was “too extreme.” So, now, he has nowhere to go. Sad!

6) Jared Kushner, Senior Adviser

Major: Economics and political science, pre-Haas.

Typical Starbucks order: Vanilla sweet cream cold brew.

Favorite spot on campus: Jared loves spending time with his pre-business student organization, but when he isn’t climbing his way to the top of the Haas ladder, he spends time with his girlfriend because of her strong personality. Not because she has a rich dad, or anything like that. Definitely not.

While Jared is the youngest of this bunch, however, he possesses something that the others severely lack: a brain.