Not too long ago, I wondered what it was that I was missing. I was never really happy. I found happiness in materialistic things (and even now I still sometimes do because I am human), but I mean I genuinely thought that that was ultimate happiness. I thought a new phone or clothes would bring me to my peak happiness. I even searched for happiness in people. Family, friends, you name it. And this is not me saying that those things don't bring me happiness because trust me, they do. I searched for happiness in hobbies. Things that brought me comfort. Food (Let's face it, one word: sushi). Places. But something was missing. All these things, they brought me temporary, mediocre joy.

Then, last year around this time, I felt lost. I was constantly lost, so this was normal to me. It became the norm. But I mean I was really lost. Something like being lost mentally, spiritually and physically felt normal to me. I had gotten used to the idea that life was full of highs and lows, and when things are good they are only good for a little while. And when things are bad, I had to prepare myself because boy, are they bad. And this is still true today, but the problem was that it felt like the end of the world to me. I felt defeated.

I was raised with religion. It hung on my walls; it was spoken about in casual context. I went to church on holidays and tried to on random Sundays. It was a part of my life; it was the norm. And we can do that all our lives and never fully know Christ. Religion was the norm for me, and so was my feeling of defeat. And something told me that wasn't right. I was lost, and when you know Christ, you should feel at home wherever you go. This isn't something that is easy to realize, and it takes time. It took me 18 years. It took me 18 years to try and seek the Lord for myself. I am sure there were times before that that I wanted to search for Christ, and maybe I even tried. But I mean it took me 18 years to become fully devoted.

I was lost and I didn't know who to turn to. I prayed for answers and for there to be something that filled the void I had in my soul. If you knew me before last summer, I spoke of God often and I was a strong believer. I always have been, but where I was then is nowhere near where I am now

So, this time last year, I went ahead and bought a Bible of my own, I went to church when I could and I prayed every night. I spoke to God, and he spoke back to me. He didn't literally speak back to me, but he spoke to me through the wind that would blow through my hair. Or the most beautiful sunset melting into the ocean. He would speak to me through cute dogs and crisp air. I began to feel a kind of joy that I had never felt before. And it wasn't because I had a Bible, or went to church, or even prayed. It was because I let the Lord in. These are all just things that accompanied it for me.

If you can sit down and think to yourself, "I am not lost right now. I know what do to next. I know who I want to be, I know who I should be and I know myself." If you are not lost right now then congratulations. That makes one of us, because I have no clue what is next. I have no idea who I am expected to be, or what career I will have in a few years. I can work towards something my whole life, but if Christ sees the picture more clearly than I (which he always does), then I trust Him. I trust that I am OK with being lost, but only because it's with Him. Yes, it is still the norm for me to feel defeat. But, no, I am not alone. I am loved, and I am lucky. I am defeated, and I am lucky. Because my definition of defeat is not what it used to be. It used to be earth-shattering hopelessness. The defeat I have within myself is not negative. Now it means that my own plans are defeated by His. So, yes, I am defeated.

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

So, let's say that you are lost. That you are sitting down, reading this, and you can relate to how I felt. Let's say you haven't found Christ yet. You are seeking for happiness in the wrong places, and you just want answers. You want to know why life is going the way that it is, and you want to know why you constantly feel so defeated. I can't lead you to Christ. I can't force that on you. But I can encourage, I can support, I can empathize with how you are feeling. I can try to lead you to Him; sometimes we need that. We need someone to be that leader in our life.

But to truly know Christ, you have to open your arms. I can open mine all day and all night, but you need to let Him in. Let Him be your shelter. I thought of a few places I was able to find Christ when I needed it the most, and even to this day I seek Him everywhere. I am not perfect, and I won't ever feel like I am doing enough to show my love for Him, but the thing is He doesn't care. He doesn't care how many times I go to church, or how many times I've opened my Bible. I mean, we should do those things because they make us happy, but he doesn't care if we do. He cares that we know where He is, and He is everywhere. And besides, He loves us anyways. Yes, flaws and all.

So, here are a few places that He showed himself so clearly to me that it led me to Him.

In places.

Where I am tomorrow, the sun will set around late 8 p.m. Go ahead and open your weather app and find out when the sun is setting. Go outside and chase the sunset. Find a good place just to sit and watch. Watch the way the sun melts over the clouds. If you're lucky, the sky will glow like it's on fire. Those sunsets are my favorite. Christ will be there. He is always in the sunsets. He is in the mountains, the highest ones and smallest one. He is in the relentless ocean and in the very warm sand our feet touch.

In people.

I know I said before that I searched for happiness in places and people, but it wasn't enough. That was before I was able to recognize Christ in people. He is in everyone; I know that for sure. But I've gotten the chance to meet and know people whom Christ lives so deeply in that it radiates out of them, and those people changed me. I don't know if these people want their names mentioned, so for this purpose I'll just describe what I saw in these people or things they did. There have been two instances where I was sitting with my friend who had broken her ankle, and two people walked up to her and prayed. They introduced themselves, said they believe God heals through prayer, asked for permission and prayed away. It brought my friend to tears. They didn't care who was watching or what we would think (we were shocked but in a good way).

I have one friend who I've known since sophomore year. She always made me laugh and distracted me from my English work. As high school progressed, I was able to get to know her better. We had a class together senior year as she searched for what to do after high school. Well, recently, she got back from a nine-month World Race. I was able to read her blogs, see her pictures and see how she was working through God. I mean I could see the Lord radiating off the work she was doing. I was just seeing these things through a screen, but it was obvious she was changing lives. One of her pictures brought me tears of joy.

I have two other friends who are the sweetest people I know. They radiate light. They are both artists, and they paint beautifully. I haven't seen them recently, but senior year of high school they encouraged me to seek Christ without even knowing it. I looked up to them. Anyone who knows them knows their intentions are always well, and they have hearts bigger than can be described.

My very own best friend, she helped me seek Christ. We have been best friends since eighth grade, and whenever I go to her she knows just what to say. She never hesitates to tell me how it is, but she encourages me to be my best. She sees the good in me, and I feel lucky that she knows Christ as well as — if not better than — I do. It inspires me, and I hope you have a best friend like this.

My recent friends that I have made in college. Without even knowing it, they saved me. They helped, encouraged, supported and believed in me when I needed it the most. They were my rocks. They were the people I didn't know I needed, but Christ knew I did. They became a home to me, and their presences brought me instant comfort. They know me inside and out, and they still love me.

My family. I saved the people who have been with me through it all for last. My sister, she is my everything. She has been the person I needed growing up and became my very best friend. She is funny and kind. She is inspiring, and she is who I want to be like. She has never left my side. My brother, he is my better half. He taught me multiplication and hard work. He taught me the fundamentals of being a good person and relying on God. He is the greatest, and even when he doesn't see it, I always have. My mother — my whole life. She has been the glue in my life when I have felt like falling apart. She is all I ever needed in a parent. She gave me food, even if there wasn't enough for her. She put a roof over my head, and she loves me unconditionally. She is strong, and she taught me that I don't need anyone; I only need Christ.

I could go on and on because so many people have been strong forces in my journey towards Christ, and this list is so small. But I just wanted you to get an idea of what I saw in these people that have encouraged me to seek Christ.

In your heart.

Last but not least. He lives in your heart. In your thoughts, in your choices. In your beliefs, memories and dreams. In your past, present and future. He is there. If you are lost and don't know where to look, you are thinking too much. He is in you. He is already there. Look no further. It's His breath in our lungs. It is His presence in our heart.

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:2

Love,

A defeated lover of Christ