It was one week before my sophomore year of high school and my grandma suddenly passed away. After that, I started to notice that the things going on in my head probably weren't healthy.
I grew up incredibly blessed. I come from a small tight-knit family where we have always been comfortable. I have always been involved in various sports, received above average grades, and had a lot of friends. There is nothing really for me to complain about if I'm being honest; however, that has never stopped my mind from wandering and exploring thoughts that aren't healthy. From laying awake at night panicking about all of the things out of my control to being genuinely frightened of social situations to barely being able to get myself out of bed in the morning, I was nowhere near okay.
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Ignoring all of these factors and more, I always considered myself to be relatively fine and normal. It wasn't until my sophomore year of high school that I realized other people weren't feeling this way--and especially not to this extreme. Looking back on it now, I don't know why I ever thought not being able to sleep or eat or even focus was standard.
I guess I pinpoint my anxiety and depression back to middle school when I was bullied to an extreme extent and left to fend for myself with no friends. I was extremely lonely and left feeling worthless, so that stirred my brain and created thoughts no 13 year old girl should ever think. I removed myself from social settings, even dropping out of activities I loved--such as softball and track--in order to avoid seeing people who may have brought out my anxious tendencies. I entered high school very unsteady and unsure and had to remake myself entirely my freshman year.
I was doing better, at least I thought, until I got too caught up in appearances. After my grandma passed away right before the start of my sophomore year, something in my head just clicked off and I was stuck once again feeling confused, alone, and even at times angry. My sleeping patterns were basically nonexistent, my grades dropped, and I was more focused on attention from boys than I was anything else. I was so unsatisfied with myself and I was simply seeking approval from other people in order to feel a remote bit of happiness. I entered an unhealthy relationship that destroyed any ounce of me that was still untroubled. That was my breaking point.
I completely crumbled. All the energy and confidence and determination the younger me had seemed as if it was suddenly ripped out from under me, leaving me to fall and try to pick up the pieces myself. I was a complete mess. I got to a point my junior year where I was feeling absolutely nothing. I was so empty. My depression and anxiety had become debilitating. I was allowing my boyfriend to control my life. I was going through the motions of life and it was as if I was a third party just observing in my own life.
Things I thought were once fun and interesting were now agonizing and dreadful. I have always loved soccer and made varsity my freshman year, however I was soon getting benched because while I would show up physically for practice and games, I just wasn't mentally there. I would go places and just imagine collapsing and staying there, unable to move. I loathed everyone and everything and above all, myself.
My life was this way for months, until one day I was car shopping with my family for my brother's birthday, and I realized I didn't remember getting to the dealership. This really shook me and woke me up, making me realize I had been quite literally sleep walking through my life for almost a year. This for some reason really triggered something in my mind and I called my boyfriend, broke up with him, and skipped school the next day because it was the first time I had actually slept without it being fitful or impossible for as long as I could remember.
Now, I'm not going to lie and say everything from then on was perfect and I was magically better. That's the farthest thing from true. I still got myself into unhealthy relationships that left me feeling used and unappreciated. I still had and do have a lot of issues sleeping. My anxiety has hardly settled down, but I do know now how to handle it and what triggers it. I tried therapy for a brief amount of time. I am on a medication to control all my thoughts and feelings. I have had outbreaks of panic where I completely scare myself and people around me. I sometimes still can't physically drag myself out of bed. I can go days without eating a solid meal. But, despite all of this, I am still proud of myself.
I have realized that if I can conquer something such as a mental illness, something that left me feeling as if I had nothing valuable to bring to the world, I can conquer anything life throws my way. The years leading up to now have still been difficult, no doubt about that, but I am so thankful for the journey I have been on. I am so much more appreciative of the life I live. I have learned to surround myself with people who appreciate me. I have learned that I am smart. And strong. And beautiful. And that my life is precious.
My anxiety and depression are slowly beginning to part, much like the clouds, and I am left to finally enjoy the little bits of sunshine. My mental illnesses are and probably will always be a part of me, however I have learned to not let them be all of me.
