Here I am, currently feeling like a chicken, but for all the wrong reasons.
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Back track
On Sept. 15, 2016, I made the choice to finally act on a reoccurring thought that I had been having for a while. This thought was one which I saw as both a benefit to myself as well as a deserving family out there who was struggling. So, what exactly was it that I decided to finally act upon? That's right, I decided to become an egg donor. Up until this point, I had done a fair amount of research and examined my inner being to see if this was something I was truly capable of doing. When the time came to act on the thought, I reached out to Main Line Fertility, who responded by sending me a 10-page application. This application was nothing short of easy. Instead, it was an extensive process that not only verged into my family background, but also a psychological assessment of my childhood. Between reconsidering my choice, as well as balancing school and work, it took me a month to complete and send in the application. However, once I sent it in, I was certain that this process was something that I was determined to accomplish. Surprisingly, it took less than 24 hours to hear back from the clinic when they called me to inform me that they wanted to bring me in for an orientation.
Fast forward
Yesterday, Oct. 20th was the day that I met with one of the doctors at Main Line Fertility. I spent about an hour at the office. I learned more about the specific procedure, signed consent forms, had blood drawn and received a vaginal ultrasound. Once I left and spent the next hour driving home, my nerves settled immensely and I actually felt very comfortable. In the back of my mind, though, I knew that it was still not a definite guarantee that I would become an egg donor. That was because my blood had to first go through genetic testing, and even then, I had to wait for a family to choose me from the database. However, the thought of becoming an egg donor soon became a blessing. I felt honored to be able to help a couple who wanted a child, but was not able to conceive one. I was proud of myself for what I was doing, and it's for that reason that I decided to share my story publicly. I turned to Facebook in order to do so, where I posted a status that described my choice and the underlying reasons to it. In no way was I looking for praise or a pat on the back. I merely just wanted to share with "friends" what I was doing.
Unfortunately, my sharing of what I considered to be good news did not receive the attention I thought it would. Although there were several individuals who posted praise and good luck, there were also several who posted words of slander and negativity. Here, I was thinking I was doing something good; yet, the way people responded was not how I expected. Who knew that a selfless act of giving part of myself up to help someone else would cause so many people to attack me with their opinions.
Currently
Today, although it's a new day, it is one filled with many mixed feelings. Growing up, I was always taught to treat others as you would want them to treat you. As for this situation, I truly felt that my actions brought nothing but good things. Little did I know that there were so many people, family and friends included, that were against me. What made things worse was that people attacked me more than they attacked my actions. I started getting name called, with people saying I was selfish or superficial. Left feeling hurt, confused and betrayed, I am now reconsidering what I hoped to accomplish. I am trying my hardest to not let others get to me and not let them tear me away from my goal. However, when so many people, most of whom who are close to me, disapprove of what I am doing, it makes it hard to continue. On top of that, I have started doing more research in reading personal testimonies and stories; not all of them are positive.
At this point, I feel lost. I feel unsure. I feel confused.
Although this is ultimately my final decision, it truly affects me personally when people can say such hurtful things so easily. Especially because I had nothing but good intentions in becoming an egg donor. Right now, I feel like a chicken in more ways than one. I would love to donate my eggs to a loving and deserving family. Yet, it's with a heavy heart that I am now once again reconsidering.
With that, I ask God to please guide me as You always do. For You are the only one who knows the best path for me to take. Although I may think I know, it is undeniable that is not always the case. I hope in time, soon enough, that I will see which choice is the right one for me to continue with.
