Everyone knows someone they classify as a “picky eater.” This is that one person who doesn’t like sushi, or isn’t as adventurous with food as the rest of the group. It’s that person who people express frustration over, who people urge to “just try it, you’ll like it,” the one people ask, “how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?” What they don’t know is this: It may not be a choice.

My name is Jenna, and like many other “picky eaters,” I have Selective Eating Disorder.

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Selective Eating Disorder (SED), also known as Avoidance/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID), has just recently sparked interest among researchers. The symptoms of this previously unknown eating disorder (as it has been classified in the American Psychological Association’s fifth edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) include a severely restricted list of accepted foods (termed “safe foods” by those with the disorder). Most of the time, the goal of SED/ARFID is not related to body image, as is often the case with other eating disorders, such as anorexia and bulimia. Often (but not always), people with SED/ARFID also have another psychological disorder, such as anxiety or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Those with SED/ARFID often have adverse reactions when attempting a new food. Speaking for myself, I often gag and refuse to swallow it. I have often been told that I’m just being dramatic, but this is just my body’s reaction to a new, strange food being introduced. It’s as if my body is rejecting something it thinks will put it in danger.

Other “picky eaters” have identified various reactions. In an informal survey of 145 other people who identify with SED/ARFID (where respondents were asked to check all symptoms that apply to them regarding trying a new food), 73.8 percent credit gagging as one of their responses when trying a new or unusual food; 20 percent identify sweating; 30.3 percent say they have tears in their eyes; 13.8 percent say they vomit; 70.3 percent spit the food out without swallowing; and 22.1 percent specified “other” reactions, such as severe anxiety/fear leading up to the taste test or not trying a new food at all.

So, what causes the anxiety and fear behind trying a new food for those of us with SED/ARFID? In the same survey (respondents were asked to check all that apply to them), 81.4 percent cited the texture of the food as a factor; 60.7 percent identified smell as one of the factors; 53.8 percent said looks and presentation of the food play a role; 64.1 percent state taste also factors in to their anxiety; and 6.9 percent state another factor for causing their fear over new foods.

Many picky eaters cite similar “safe foods,” such as French fries, chicken tenders, plain noodles, plain pizza and potato chips. For myself, my list of safe foods looks more like a 5-year-old’s dream diet: chicken tenders, French fries, plain chips, popcorn, Goldfish crackers, peanut butter, wheat bread, pretzels, plain pancakes, bacon, milk chocolate, cinnamon rolls and very little else. I have not had a piece of pizza in 17-18 years (according to my parents, I used to eat it when I was very, very little). I have never eaten a vegetable. I used to only order French fries from restaurants until I forced myself to try chicken tenders (even then, they have to be breaded and crispy). Excuses likes “I already ate” or “I’m not hungry” have become the norm for me at a social event where I know food I will not eat is being served. I have attempted new foods. Only two of them stuck. It’s not for a lack of trying.

To many people (I’m looking at you, Facebook comments on Buzzfeed’s video on picky eaters), we are the bane of their existence. We are “just being dramatic.” We are “unintelligent and ignorant.” We are “embarrassing to go out with.” We are “obnoxious and annoying.” We are “missing out.” We are “overreacting.” We “just need to be tossed into a third world country” because then we “will eat whatever we can get.”

None of these are true. Many people with SED/ARFID say they would rather starve than eat something that is not on their list of safe foods. It is not our fault. Our body and some psychological component that we cannot control will not let us be adventurous with foods. Comments like these are why 41.4 percent of picky eaters surveyed are so anxious about going out to eat with others, they would rather find an excuse to get out of it (only 9.7 percent stated they are not anxious going out at all).

This is not isolated to the U.S. It is all over the world: the UK, Australia, Italy, the Netherlands, Brazil, even South Africa, among many other places. Clearly, it is not a result of one culture. People with SED/ARFID come from many different cultures and many different backgrounds.

One of the biggest pet peeves of people with SED/ARFID is people treating this like it is a choice. This is not a choice for us. We can’t control it, and until more research is done on SED/ARFID and treatments for it, we won’t be able to. Most of my fellow picky eaters would agree. If we could flip some sort of magical switch and be able to eat everything and anything we came upon, we would. I would love to be able to go out with friends and not be embarrassed about what I will or will not be eating. I would love to stop getting comments like, “Are you normal? Are you human? Everyone likes [insert food name here].” We are human. We just have different needs and preferences. We would appreciate it if you treated us with dignity and respect and didn’t feel the need to dissect our eating habits. We give ourselves a hard enough time about our limited palette that we don’t need to hear it from others, too.

So, what do picky eaters want non-picky eaters to know?

“It’s not voluntary.”

“It makes me feel lonely.”

“Food that looks good to your brain looks like something non-edible to mine (like rotting leaves).”

“If I was as simple as ‘just try it, you might like it,’ I’d have done it by now. I want to change it, but it’s much more complicated than that.”

“It isn’t ‘all in my head,’ and I can’t ‘just get over it.’”

“It’s endless anxiety, feeling guilty and apologizing for my own needs.”

“It isn’t a choice or a result of bad parenting.”

“It’s awful. Like your code for safe foods has been rewritten and your brain thinks everything is poison.”

“It’s part of who I am.”

“Just be understanding of my feelings. Don’t push me or try to guilt me into trying something new.”

“I’m not trying to be rude.”

“It’s about how my own body, senses and brain perceive the food and not meant as an insult to anyone else.”

“It’s real.”

Next time you are with someone who might be a “picky eater,” stop and think for a moment. There may be a biological, uncontrollable reason they don’t like something. Don’t push them. Disable the rude comments. Be supportive. Love them for who they are. Don’t make them feel like less just because of their diet. Trust me, we get enough of the condescending comments from our own minds.

Selective Eating Disorder is real. It is as real as anything. It is not something we can change overnight. We need time. We need support. We need to be heard.

For more information and for links to a support group, click here.

To read more responses on what picky eaters want you to know, click here.

The survey mentioned in this article was an informal poll of my own making. Permission was gained in a support group for those with the condition discussed in this article. No one was obligated or pressured into taking this survey. Participants could skip any question they felt uncomfortable answering within the survey. Respondents were kept anonymous. The responses mentioned should be taken as opinion, not scientific fact.