I grew up, like most of you, going to church every Sunday morning. I would sit in the same pew with the rest of my family, and sing along to the church hymns. It became routine and normal. As I have mentioned before, I didn't have what we would consider an "easy" childhood. Throughout those challenges I lost my way. I know what you're thinking, this is just another story about how God brought someone out of the darkness and now my life is fulfilled. I can say that some of that is true, but my story is a little different, and most importantly, it's on-going.

After my parents split-up, church wasn't an every Sunday type of thing anymore. We went on holidays and that was about it. God wasn't really a huge influence in my life- I guess when you can say I needed him most. I knew when I was younger I was a little different from the other kids my age. I worried about things that a thirteen year old shouldn't even think about, and with that, came confusion. I didn't understand why I felt so different, so lost. I remember sitting in my room, and I had thoughts about dying. Thoughts about how I would do it, when I would do it- planning it out. At that age, I didn't know those kind of thoughts weren't normal. So I just brushed it off. It didn't hit me until my sophomore year of high school that my thoughts utterly consumed me. I didn't know how to love myself, so how were others supposed to love me? I had friends, boyfriends, my grades were exceptional, but I still felt empty inside. I didn't feel like I had a purpose. I just went through the routine of every day life. I started to play music while I showered so no one could hear me crying. And even after showering, I remember sometimes just laying in my bed, naked, just staring at the ceiling not wanting to move. I would get lost in my thoughts. And most of them were dark. Like I said, God wasn't even really a thought in my life at this point. I believed in Him, and in Heaven, but I hadn't made a commitment to Him yet.

I was lucky enough to fall in love that same year of high school. Knowing that someone loved me helped pull me out of the shadows one inch at a time, but I knew it would never be enough until I loved myself. I tried making health changes by eating better and working out. I tried getting involved in more clubs and activities. I hung out with people more often. Although all of these things numbed the pain, they didn't fix it. I so badly just wanted to give in- I just wanted the pain to go away. I couldn't breathe, I felt suffocated by my thoughts. I was never good enough, whether it be pretty enough, nice enough, athletic enough, smart enough. Even when people were my friends, I was convinced they didn't like me, and that I was all alone. At times, I didn't even think I fit into my family. I was my own worst enemy.

Within the same timeline, my mom had started going to a new church. One day I decided to tag along. I was expecting to hear the same sermons I had always heard growing up- but as soon as I walked in, I knew this church was different. It was in a middle school auditorium, the band was made up of kids from the community and the pastor's family (and they played up to date Christian music!) The pastor cracked jokes throughout his sermon- but the most enticing factor of it all, was their realness. Everyone was just so raw and natural. They were here because of their relationship with God, not because they were expected to be here. I started going with her every Sunday I was with her, and soon I fell in love. I know what you're thinking, here's the part where she says her life was changed. Yes, my life had changed, but even though God made an appearance in my life again, the pain was still there. I got to my freshman year of college, and when I realized I wouldn't be able to go to my church anymore, I asked for a daily devotions book. My entire freshman year I set aside time to read a devotional and to reflect on how I felt in a journal. I decided that was my time with God, and I would have it every day. This was the beginning of my commitment and relationship with Him.

I am now in the beginning of my sophomore year of college, and I continue to read devotionals and journal- but the difference now, is that my thoughts don't control me anymore. The first thing I had to accept, and probably the hardest, was that God loved me unconditionally. He made me who I am for a reason, and I am awesome. I am loved. It took me a really long time to get comfortable with these thoughts, and I would be lying if I said I'm not still working on it, but I'm having these thoughts. That's a start, right? I am confident in who I am, most importantly that God has a journey for me. Giving my heart to God made me realize that my experiences have made me who I am today, and I am thankful for that.

My relationship with God is still in the works, that's why this story is different. I would be lying if I said my pain hasn't come back, because there are days I find myself getting sucked back in to the dark. But by giving my heart to God, I have found the light- and it's not in Him, it's in me.