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If You Give A College Kid A Cookie

A spin-off on the classic children’s novel.

Megan Downing

Sep 27, 2016

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If you give a college kid a cookie, chances are they’ll want a drink to go with it.

Chances are, if you give a college kid that (blue, raspberry flavored drink named after the type of rays the sun has) drink, they’ll want some easy mac.

If you give a college kid that microwaveable mac and cheese, chances are they’ll want to be wrapped in a blankie.

As soon as you wrap them in a blankie, they’ll ask for money. Chances are, if you give them money, they’ll ask for some more.

You know you won’t give them more because they’ll spend it on something stupid, but you’ll decide to give them some homemade food.

If you give a college kid homemade food, they will wanna take a nap. If they take a nap, they’re gonna wanna go to the dining hall.

If they go to the dining hall, chances are they’re gonna complain about not having enough options, and then eat cereal and ice cream for dinner.

If they eat cereal and ice cream for dinner, they're going to get a cookie for desert.

And if you give a college kid a cookie, chances are they’ll ask you for more.

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If You Give A College Kid A Cookie

A spin-off on the classic children’s novel.

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Because have you ever had to endure grilling your foot on a George Foreman?

1. When he just wanted bacon from his George Foreman grill

2. When he had money (and Jan) issues

3. When he got upstaged at Phyllis' wedding

4. When he unintentionally saved Meredith from rabies

5. When he wore a "bisexual" suit

6. When he had to apologize to Jesus

7. When his GPS drove him into a lake

8. When he had to deal with Ryan as his boss

9. When he couldn't fulfill his most generous empty promise

10. When this happened

11. When he struggled with a X-Mas break up

12. When he had to defend his generosity

13. When he threw a classy Christmas party for Holly but she had a boyfriend

14. When he had to stand up to peer pressure

15. When Toby was "Toby-ish"

This isn't just for the single Pringles out there either, folks

Run Around Clanging Pots and Pans in Everyone's Face

Eat the Last Few Pigs in a Blanket

Pop Twelve White Grapes

Burn Something

Smash Things Against a Wall

Spontaneously Begin an Irish Jig

Call Your Mother

Throw a Coffee Table Out a Window

Sing "Auld Lang Syne" at the Top of Your Lungs

Do Some Squats

Swan Dive into a Nearly Freezing Body of Water

Take a Shot

Time to be merry and bright.

"First Noel" by Leslie Odom, Jr

"A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Kelly Clarkson

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home" by Michael Buble

"Last Christmas" by Taylor Swift

"The Christmas Song" by Josh Groban

"White Christmas" by Idina Menzel

"O Holy Night" by David Archuleta

"Believe" by Josh Groban

"Les cloches du hameau" by Celine Dion

Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

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