Sometimes, relationships suck. You’ll probably go through a handful of them before you find one that really works. Whether he tears out your heart and stomps it into a patty, or it’s you who’ve decided it’s time to call it quits, breakups are never easy.
Something that was always there, isn’t there anymore. Of course, you’re upset. Unfortunately, there’s no real cure for a broken heart, but there are some things you can do to make it a little easier. Here’s a list of a few very healthy ways to make your ride on the emotional roller coaster a little bit smoother.
1. Take some time to yourself.
Spend a little extra time in the shower, shave your legs, put on a face mask, finally take off those last bits of nail polish that’ve been stuck to your toenails for months, settle down with a good book/vine compilation and just relax for once.
2. Delete his number and stop following him on social media.
The last thing you need is easy access to contact. If you really feel the need to keep his number, at least change his name to something with a more positive message so that when he calls begging you to come back, you’ll see the something along the lines of “Call from That Guy You’re WAY Too Good For.” Stop following him on insta/snap/facebook so you won’t be constantly be bombarded with reminders of him. Whatever you do, don’t block him. He needs to see how hot you’re about to get now that you’re done stressing over his bulls**t.
3. Spend time with friends.
Ladies night is so much better when you’re single. So is a stay-at-home movie marathon with all your fav gal pals. Now it can be one big cuddle fest without anyone feeling weird about accidentally (or purposefully) touching your boob.
4. Go shopping.
Take your pain out on your bank account and treat yourself to a little retail therapy. Buy that purse you’ve been looking at for forever. The only thing that can make this better is if you still have his credit card info.
5. Find some new hobbies.
Express your misery through art. Start playing an aggressive sport. Take up sewing or needlepoint, and pretend the fabric is your exes face to make it all the more satisfying to stab repeatedly with a needle.
6. Rebound sex.
Could be a new hobby if you really think about it.
7. Drown your sorrows with food.
Don’t’ feel guilty about that entire pizza you just ate, or that gallon of ice cream. You deserve this, girl.
8. Cut all your hair off.
Take it from me, someone who had hair down to her a** that now doesn’t even come close to scraping my shoulders, nothing is more freeing than cutting off most of your hair. Not only do you feel like an entirely new person, your head feels much lighter, literally and metaphorically.
9. Break stuff.
Go to the nearest thrift store, but anything breakable (TVs, vases, chairs), grab a bat, and wreck some s**t. It’s a good way to take out any aggression you might be feeling without actually hurting anyone.
10. Throw away every single thing that reminds you of him.
It’ll be much easier to let go of him if you can let go of the objects that will bring back all those memories. It’ll help to take down any pictures, pack them up or throw them away. You’re not obligated to keep the things he bought for you, jewelry, clothes, stuffed animals, but if there’s anything that belongs to him, it is more respectful to give it back to him. If you can’t bring yourself to meet to him in person, sending it through the mail will do just fine.
Or alternatively…
11. Burn it. BURN IT ALL!
Go outside and light yourself a nice, relaxing campfire. Then roast all his s**t in it. Let it burn like the hell where he belongs for shattering your delicate emotions.
12. Put s**t in his mailbox.
Literal s**t. Just like him. Doesn’t have to be yours, he won’t know the difference.
13. Start practicing voodoo magic.
Step 1: Use those new sewing skills you have to make a voodoo doll in his likeness. Step 2: Use it to torment him for all eternity. Stab it with knives, tear off its head, or even toss it into that fire you’ve already built. This is guaranteed to make you feel better.
14. Order a cake with his face on it.
Now you can cut him to pieces just like he did to your heart. Use the biggest knife you can find. The results will be much more satisfying. Great for turning one of those stay-at-home girl’s nights into a ritual in which all of you take a part in symbolically devouring the boy who hurt you.
15. Call his employer posing as his drug dealer.
With no one to love, cherish, and spoil with gifts, who needs money and a job, right? He can survive by drinking his own tears when he realizes the incredible thing he’s lost (you, not his job).
16. Break into his house and cut all his hair off too.
Best for exes with gorgeous hair. Make sure those new b*****s won’t have anything to run their fingers through.
17. Steal his dog because he loved it more than you.
Since you’re already in his house, might as well steal the best friend he’s ever known and the only keeping him warm at night since he abandoned you. If the dog is cute, keep it. If not, shave it and send it back.
18. Kidnap him and ship him anywhere you want.
Your best options are anywhere with a jungle, desert, or arctic landscape. Preferably somewhere with hungry, predatory animals.
19. Post an ad to sell him on Craig’s List.
For sale. Used a**hole boyfriend. In terrible condition. Recommended for people who don’t actually want a boyfriend. Please send any time he may actually spend on you directly to me, the girl who wasted all of hers waiting for him to be a decent human being.
20. Pay someone to break his kneecaps.
If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like to get their hands dirty, this is the option for you. No illegal efforts required other than hiring a knee snapping assassin. For best results, hire someone to install cameras in his home so you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the show from the comfort of your own home, yet another perfect opportunity for a gal pal hangout.
Disclaimer: Please do not take me seriously.
