I’ve never really liked to be alone. I never understood the concept of needing personal space except for the rare few times I’ve had a total emotional breakdown. When I’m mad, upset, depressed, anxious, happy, restless, you name it, I’d almost always prefer company. This is coming from a girl who has kept very few friends her entire life and is constantly running off to do the next thing on my checklist. In spite of my seemingly loner tendencies, I also come from an extremely close knit family. I may not have gone out with friends every weekend, but whenever I chose to peep my head outside of my room, I always had a best friend in my family. My house has always been an incredibly full house. If it isn’t bustling with all five members of my family, then one of the many kids has friends over, my grandma is knocking on the door, or my aunt’s kids are running around with my brothers. Over the years I’ve become comfortable with my own thoughts. But my thoughts always seem to include other people. I find comfort in connections, and often I find myself in conversations with those around me. Due to my general lack of friends and my overall self-imposed business, I had always thought that I was used to being alone, that I knew what it meant to be introverted, in spite of my preference to have someone else around. It wasn’t until I reached college that I found out what it truly means to be alone.
For those of you who haven’t quite reached college age and are either in high school or are still living at home, or for those of you who are in college or have just entered into adulthood, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to be alone, and it’s okay to be lonely. Though this isn’t true for all, females tend to be social creatures. We like to travel in packs and have someone to confide in, if not bounce energy off of. Even I, the previously self-proclaimed introvert, will admit that in spite of the fact that I do consider myself extremely capable on my own, I’d much prefer company in most aspects of my life. As I’ve slowly been coming into adulthood, I’ve realized that there’s a large portion of time that you simply have to be on your own. To me, this seemed like an unexplainably frightening, even impossible feat.
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My first year in college, I lived in a dorm on campus. One may think, "Alright, so you lived in the dorms surrounded by tons of other students all the time-- how could you possibly be alone?" To answer this I’d like to take you back to my earlier statement about never keeping many friends. Indeed, I had a roommate and lived amongst dozens of other students. I ate in a hall where the tables were all filled and attended classes where I was surrounded by like-minded peers. And I have to say, it was one of the loneliest times of my life. Everywhere I went it was like everyone else had someone to talk to, and I was left to look around at the laughing faces and full tables with no one to walk to class with or go get in a midnight workout with. I had no one to force to make a Target run with me, and no one to invite to on-campus events.
Though I did have a loving boyfriend, he attended classes at the community college down the street, and our class schedules/driving situations (he lived in a city thirty minutes away from campus) only allowed us to spend time together three days per week. The family that I had once relied on for that extra attention I didn’t get from friends growing up, now also lived thirty minutes away. My dad was always at work, my mom always running around with the other kids; they were now in their own schedule and were too busy to take the phone calls that I tended to make every other day. Needless to say, I was lost.
I’m now in my second semester in my second year of college. I don’t want to say I’ve been through a lot since then and have a plethora of life experience, but I’ve been through a lot since then and have a decent amount of life experience. Recently I was sitting on my bed, resting my back for a second before diving into a reading on my first week back from winter break, when I realized that it was exceedingly quiet in the room. Typically I turn the TV on or I have Facebook messages dinging in the background to make up for the empty space in my room. At that moment I had nothing on: no TV, no music, no Facebook messages, no texts— nothing. I was sitting with myself. It was this small realization that led me to thinking about all the time I’m alone in a day, and then in a week. This thought normally would make me sad and would lead to me throwing on one of my boyfriend’s sweaters and calling my mom. Instead, I thought about all the things I typically did during my alone time-- some of it productive, some of it not.
Then I began to write.
“It’s okay that I sit alone at meals.”
“It’s okay to miss people when they’re gone.”
“It’s okay to laugh when you’re alone, because who’s there to watch you?”
“What can I be instead of lonely?”
“Turn sadness into productiveness and self-empowerment.”
After writing down all of these phrases, I sat there once again and began to think about all the time I spend alone in a day, and then in a week. This time instead of getting upset and running towards familiar comforts, I started thinking about all the things I could accomplish during my time alone. Not just homework assignments and working more hours at my part time job, but doing things for no one else but myself-- things like coloring, yoga, watching extremely girly or kid-ish movies, re-organizing my things in my room, shopping, personal reading, writing, planning, playing with my guinea pigs, etc. Things that can all add to my day in a positive way.
This is my way of giving you your own eye-opening moment. This is my guide to helping you navigate your way into adulthood by accepting that you’re going to be alone. It may seem and feel scary or even horrifying at first, but it’s my hope that reading this will help you see that you can be strong and independent without conquering the world. Being independent means doing things for yourself, no matter what those things are. Whether that means paying your own bills or going down and making yourself a peanut butter and jelly, and then sitting down to eat it alone. Both of those things are steps to becoming your own person and a better adult. So embrace being alone and get to know what you want to do with your spare time (if you have any).
