Boys, men, males of all ages, listen up. I am about to reveal some of the most sacred secrets that make up the female species. I may lose friends, and I may even eliminate my feminine credibility, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. If your girl constantly looks #flawless and claims she “woke up like dis", THINK AGAIN. If she just happens to guess your favorite artist, knows the dress your ex girlfriend wore to junior prom, and what you wore in your last six profile pictures, it's no coincidence. Girls are weird, plain and simple. I know, I have been one for 20 years and I still question why I do the things I do, but there are things you never knew we did, and here they are.
We wear men's deodorant.
If someone could please tell me what genius thought “majestic dandelion" had the ability to cover up the body odor of a woman, I'd greatly appreciate it, but I'm here to tell you, it doesn't. I should probably go on a feminist rant and write a letter to Dove expressing that women do indeed need proper D.O. for the B.O., but instead, I will continue to apply my old spice deodorant every morning because it does the job.
We color in our eyebrows.
Whether she has two bushy Anthony Davis caterpillars above her eyes or you can't tell when she is surprised because of her lack of brows, she colors them in, trust me. I didn't discover this makeup trick until a few months ago, but apparently it is a key component of a woman's daily beautification. They say eyebrows speak louder than words, but you may have to face the fact that hers might not be there when you both wake up.
We stalk every aspect of your life via social media.
Remember that time when some random girl knew your major, house, list of all previous girlfriends, how many times you went to country thunder, your mom's maiden name, and that you were really deep on social media in 2009? Well believe it or not, that was no coincidence. As soon as you make eye contact with us, or don't, our research begins. Social media allows us to learn the things about you that you won't ever reveal. Did you know that you can see every picture that a guy has ever liked on Facebook by typing "Photos (Name of Hottie) likes" in the search box? Now that is quality information.
We refuse to wash our hair for as long as possible.
It was not until college that I learned the art of the "body shower", and it forever changed my life. Do you know how long it takes to wash, condition, post-shower condition, brush, blow dry, and style your hair? Of course you don't, because you're a boy and the life of the boy is easy. (Stay tuned for future article on how boys have life easy).
We tape our boobs.
This is the real secret. Boobs don't simply stay nice and perky in a backless dress, there is a 98% chance that those bad boys are being held up by some sort of adhesive. Pain is beauty, and you don't know pain until you have spent twenty minutes in the bathroom removing mario kart duct tape from your body after formal. This is all for you boys, so show a little appreciation and maybe throw down a complement or two rather than just creepy stares.
We talk about you ALL THE TIME.
Okay, don't flatter yourself, it's not just you, it's every guy. We talk about the guy that sits by us in class that asked to borrow a pencil last Wednesday (Which translates into "Can I borrow…your hand in marriage?"), we talk about that guy at the pool with weird toes, we talk about that hot waiter at B-dubs who can be the lord of my wings any day, and we talk about that guy who we are absolutely head-over-heels in love with…he just doesn't know we exist yet. We love boys. Thinking about you, talking about you, dreaming about you, you name it, we do it. Thanks for doing weird, mean, sweet, hot, funny, and bizarre stuff so that we have something to talk about.
Women: One of the most complex species on the face of the planet, and no matter how many tips I give or secrets I reveal, you'll never completely understand us. We say we are fine when we aren't, we binge watch lame shows on Netflix, and we travel to the bathroom in groups of no less than three. But think about it, without women, there would be no you, and if there was no you, I wouldn't have anyone to read my articles, and that's what really matters. Until next time.
