I hope you remembered to buy the milk, because the Girl Scouts of America are dropping their newest cookie flavor in celebration of the 100th anniversary of the iconic Girl Scout cookie. “Lady's First” is the prototype name trending among taste-testing focus groups and some say it aptly captures the character of the new treat, which is made using ingredients that are 100 years of age. This is without a doubt the most ambitious cookie design we’ve ever seen, and we just had to get the inside scoop on what the hell this is gonna taste like.
From the evidence we've gathered, the cookie is probably shaped like a merit badge or something equally symbolic, like a flag or a hand saluting. I don't know what it could be. I wasn't in the Girl Scouts because I've never been good at tying knots. But you don't have to be a girl scout to love girl scout cookies! Although I've heard it helps when your salary depends on it. What's more American than 70 percent commission? Nothing.
We couldn’t wrangle an interview with any of the lucky boogers who have tried the Lady's First, but we did intercept a secret press release from the Executive Team of GSA by stalking their email traffic. Check it out:
“ITEM: Project name "Lady's First" has tested poorly in all aspects of flavor, aesthetics, texture, digestibility and being arsenic-free. At the time of this writing, Lady's First should not be consumed by any Girl Scout, parents of Girl Scouts or any known organism until we can find a method of preserving the stomach lining and bolstering the fortitude and resilience of the esophagus. A cure for what is being called ‘Lady's First syndrome’ will also need to be researched and manufactured as soon as possible. Updates will be provided on the trial status of the Lady's First development as soon as they are available.”
Sounds yum! Now I just need to find some parents who can recommend a dealer. There's no clear release date for the Lady's First, but it really can't come soon enough. My milk expires in 3 days! Let's extend our congratulations to the Girl Scouts of America on 100 years of excellence. Between you and me, I prefer them over the Boy Scouts, who once tried to sell me an empty box of Famous Amos for much more than nothing.
Update: A more recent press release disclosed that the Lady's First has demonstrated fluency in American Sign Language and anyone who has been exposed to the cookie ingredients should be quarantined immediately. Also, my milk expired.
