I am a huge advocate for growth and self-awareness.
I believe in taking time out of your day for introspection, prodding beneath the surface to get to a deeper understanding of self.
Today I realized my approach leaves something to be desired.
I discovered that perhaps I am too in love with myself. That is, an idea of myself. There is this image of Faith in my mind, one that I am working hard to realize. This girl is exercising regularly, making stellar grades and has a gaggle of close friends. She isn’t lonely, dresses well and has the time of her life every day. The “good” Faith is the one that got the internship and the boy. The one who studies abroad and finally figures out how to meal prep. There is nothing wrong with wanting any of these things for myself. But I realized that by trying to become this person, I am hurting my current self in the process.
I truly believe that self-actualization is the best way to achieve your goals. But I am too in love with this romanticized version of myself, so much so that I can’t enjoy the present. I am constantly shaping and molding myself into this ideal, hoping I get closer to the person I want to be. What if I’m not happier when I finally get the internship of my dreams? Knowing me, I will still find away to undermine that achievement and find something else to work on.
Would it not be much simpler to accept where I am now?
Self-acceptance has always been difficult for me. Largely because I am hypercritical and hyper-aware of my faults, to the extent they overshadow all of my positive attributes. And it is entirely possible I exaggerate these faults as something to be fixed RIGHT NOW. Forget three years from now; I want to be this perfect version of myself today. I have trained myself to make my shortcomings so large and encompassing, that surely other people are aware of my flaws too. And how could anyone love or respect someone so flawed?
In my attempt to recreate this version of myself I am literally refusing to accept the person I am now. How is this any different than self-loathing? Do I dislike myself so much that I have to stay busy? I always feel the need to change, there is always something to “fix.” That inability to be content is a great motivator but it can also be destructive. It’s entirely possible my self-esteem hasn’t recovered since my awkward high school years.
If anything, I am replacing one vice for another. Replacing self-loathing with a desire to be anyone other than current myself.
I am not sure how to start this process of becoming…if I haven’t already begun. I am not sure who I will be or whom I am molding myself into. I can only hope that through unconditional self-acceptance, I will become the person I am meant to be.
