I cannot remember a time in my life when I could look in the mirror and honestly like what I saw. I'd look and point out my crooked teeth, my acne, my big nose, my glasses, and my stomach and say to myself "maybe one day I'll be enough," but unfortunately I am still waiting for that day. As time passed I was graced with braces, contacts, and running which helped me check some things off my list, but nothing ever seemed to be enough. Once one thing was checked off, something else would make its way. It was and still is an endless cycle of self-hate.
I am currently reporting from my dorm room in Milan, Italy. Yes you heard me right MILAN. I have been waiting for this moment to study abroad for years. Even before I got accepted to college I knew I wanted to find a way to study abroad, so when the opportunity arose I knew I had to take it. Not everybody gets this chance or opportunity in their lives so I decided to seize the moment and live in the now. I arrived with an open mind and an open heart ready to take the city by storm and try to experience as much as possible within these 4 short months. I arrived with so much spirit and enthusiasm but every day since has been an internal struggle. I've skipped parties, trips, games, and even dinners just to stay cooped up in my room alone. My nights consist of either browsing social media until 2 am or eating until I make myself sick, but usually I end up doing both. The next day I will find my clothes fitting a bit tighter, not being able to button up my jeans, feeling sick to my stomach, and wondering why I can't break the cycle. Maybe if I had more friends I would be too distracted to falter. Maybe if I stayed home I would have the gym for relief, maybe if I was prettier!
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If I was prettier I would be spared by these events and thoughts that torment me now.
I was never bullied or made fun of by strangers or even classmates, but instead by the demon in the mirror that I encountered many years ago. Her words find a way of cutting through my seemingly tough exterior and I fall apart exposing a lifetime of pent up emotions. Every day is a struggle to fight her off and I'm exhausted. I have no more fight left and I'm forced to conform to the mold she has carved out for me.
It’s a feeling that you cannot stop. Everything in the world STANDS still EXPECT YOU AND YOUR THOUGHTS. When you think “this time I’m done” something else comes up and you can’t help but keep going. As you stretch your stomach to new limits you try to fight back the tears that are just screaming to get out. Nothing is helping. You are thousands of miles away from your best friend and boyfriend. They are the only ones who truly care or really acknowledged your demons, but even they don’t truly know the extent of it. You just want to scream but you remember that there are people outside these walls that could possibly hear you, so you have to struggle inside for longer. You just want relief but only know one way to find it. Just continue with the cycle you say to yourself "nothing is going to change, you aren’t strong enough to win”.
