Dear hopeful girl,
I don't know the history that lies in your heart. How many pieces you have given to others, only to have them broken and returned. I don't even know what has brought you to this boy, hoping for the ultimate benefit.
What I do know is that you are worth so much more than the sex you offer.
Maybe you are looking for someone to trust and recover with after a broken heart or assault. Or perhaps you want someone that helps you feel some sort of value, or you want to make them feel valued. Maybe you're so trusting and think this is how it must work nowadays with sex being so casual.
When you first feel the flutter in your chest you won't tell him.
You'll become flirtier when you two are together, more open to talk about things that are meaningful.
You'll ask how his day was or to tell you about his family.
You'll start finding different things that remind you of him throughout the day.
You'll even talk to him in public more, appearing to have become closer friends.
I'll tell you now, it doesn't matter.
One day he'll talk about a girl he likes. Or, for no particular reason at all, he is no longer interested in having sex with you. No matter the reason, something will bring a screeching halt to this agreement you've had for however long. Your blood will run cold and questions will fill your head.
What if I didn't please him enough?
If I had only been more available to him…
How can he not feel the way that I feel?
Grasping at the tail end of your daydreams as they float away, you tell him that you thought this was becoming something more. That you had started to catch feelings and really think that the two of you would work out. Then he'll look you in the eyes, if you're lucky, and say something like "That's not the agreement we had. I don't want to be with you like that. We can't do this anymore. I don't want to hurt this new girl."
He never saw you as someone who would be his someone. You were nothing more than a way to get him off.
None of this is to tell you not to embrace your sexuality. It's to tell you to think about your heart and not put anyone's needs or wants above your own feelings. This is also not to call him a f*ck boy. He clearly expressed his wants and expectations. He delivered that and nothing more. You'll want to be mad at him, but it's honestly not his fault.
There will be a day when you come to the conclusion that this isn't what you want, this isn't what you deserve and you will realize the only one to truly blame is yourself. That will be a hard realization for you, but really important.
That's when this stops being a problem you have with every guy not thinking you're enough and becoming the problem of you not thinking you're enough. Admitting this to yourself is a very important first step.
Now, you need to find value in yourself. Spend an afternoon listening to your favorite band while painting your nails and doing a face mask. Go to the movies by yourself so you don't have to share popcorn and can cry and laugh without judgment. Write letters to yourself on a strong day for the future when you have a weak day. Find ways to make yourself happy.
Finally, start thinking about how you want to be treated by others, how you want them to see you, and what you expect out of a friend. Write it all down somewhere that you will see it every day. Hold yourself, your friends, and everyone who wants to be in your life to those standards you created.
Don't accept any less than what you deserve from these people in your life. Push yourself to follow your list or even strive to be even better. Be the example of how you want others to treat you. These expectations you've created will lead to healthier relationships and a better state of personal value.
At the end of the day though, it's always your trust in others that will destroy you. Your trust that everyone has a similar heart to yours, one that beats for every person you meet. If I'm being completely honest, you'll find yourself in this same position over and over again. Telling yourself, this is different, I'm different, or there's something special about him, I think this time is it.
When you're with him, you can pretend. It's the pretending that makes this all OK. For those brief moments you are loved, you are important, you have value.I'm here to say I understand that and feel your pain. As bad as it sounds, I hope that one day the pain finally sets your mind straight.
Wishing you pain,
Someone with a similar heart to yours.
