For several months I've had somewhat of a hard time. Letting go of your first love is a lot harder than it looks. I finally reached a point, however, that I was done being pulled in every direction, lied to, used, and betrayed.
I am so angry and most of all I am disappointed in the person I thought he was. Truth is, he turned into what everyone warned me about. He proved every allegation placed against him and then some, but he never saw where he was wrong. He used excuses like they were legitimate reasons and when I wasn't looking he was doing exactly what he was making me feel guilty for doing myself.
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This is not all to say that I have been perfect because I haven't been. I've been ugly, called him names and took my pure anger out on him when I should have just blocked him all along. I guess I just wasn't strong enough. I still had a shrivel of hope.
To have all hope stripped away it leaves you feeling bare and vulnerable. I didn't want to accept the fact that this is indeed over, even though I had plenty of people trying to reassure me that I deserved better and that if he really loved me he wouldn't have left in the first place.
As a young woman who is pursuing God the best she knows how, I have fallen short of what I know he expects from me so many times, because of this guy. I must've known this relationship would never work (if nothing else) because of this fact. This is not to say it's all his fault, because it isn't. I knowingly went along with it because I felt like that's what a true loving relationship is about. I was wrong, and that should've been obvious at the time, but like i think we all know when you're up close to something it may look like one thing, but when you are standing farther away you suddenly can see the truth of what it is. Now, five months later, six days before what would've been our first year anniversary i see what a sham the relationship really was.
To a certain degree I believe the love between us was real. At this point, however, I just don't know how to look back and feel about him as I did in the relationship. That's arguably a reason why it wasn't "real". Anyways, I'm getting off topic,
Right now, I am at a point where I am trying to decide where to go from here. I thought i had it figured out before but obviously, that wasn't the case because I was still letting him emotionally effect me. Do I forgive him and move on with my life, or do I try to forget the thought or being of "us" altogether? One aspect is painful and emotional, and the other is a colder approach where I will probably be unsuccessful most of the time.
I don't really believe you should forget your bad relationships or I suppose in this case it was more of a bad break-up. Simply because these bad experiences are lessons learned for the future. If I myself choose to forget him or the break-up completely then what am i really learning from that experience? It may be hard, or even take a while to forgive him, but forgetting would just not be enough. I personally think we should all learn to forgive the ones who hurt us because they are the ones who make us into the people we are. They make us stronger and more aware of the kind of people we shouldn't be involved with.
I am a little lost, but I know I will be better off.
