You could say Sunday, April 22, wasn’t my day. You could say I was devastated, but truth be told, the “I just got dumped” feeling lingered on my chest as long as a shooting star would in the sky. After the “What did I do wrong” 10-minute-long rabbit hole, insanity kicked in, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
Who gets dumped twice, on the same day, by two different people? The one and only Whori, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry for the inside joke, but check out my name and you’ll be in on it, too.
To explain this story I would have to go way back, 13 months back to be precise. The short version is, I had been seeingsomeone throughout that year and outlier month, in a long-distance kind of way. At some point in time, we established being exclusive wasn’t in either of our interests. It kind of was in mine, but that’s a blog post for the future.
Having said that, you can imagine where the second guy came in. A week after the birth of my open-long-distance relationship, I met Guy 2 outside a club and we hit it off instantly. We were on the same page. Both emotionally unavailable, both hung up on our exes, and both very much solely interested in having a casual relationship. Nothing serious. It’s never fucking serious. At least not when I’m involved.
We were fuckbuddies for about three months maybe? I’m asking you as if you’d know. Three months of emptying wine bottles together, smoking cigarettes on balconies, watching Dave Chappelle stand up shows on Netflix. No strings attached, the ultimate friends-with-benefits situation. When did I get so fucking cliché?
Things were going by smoothly. Too smoothly. It wasn’t exciting. So I decided to spice things up a little bit. In other words, self-sabotage. I texted him saying I wanted to take up more of his time, but without actually dating. My exact words were: “I don’t want anything serious, but I feel like I’m not your priority.”
There is no sane explanation for such an inconclusive, vague, mind-bobbling statement. I re-read that text today and I cringe; it doesn’t make any sense to me, let alone to him.
So that’s how I got dumped by Guy 2. His reply was, “I think we should just stay friends.” Ouch, but I can’t blame him given I confused the shit out of both of us.
But the stupidity doesn't stop there. So, what did I do after getting dumped by Guy 2? I went to cry on Guy 1’s (virtual) shoulders! I FaceTimed him, demanding explanations as to why he would want our relationship to be open. Was I not good enough? What was I missing that didn’t urge guys to commit?
And so he sniffed it out. He knew I was seeing someone, and he connected the dots. He’s a smart kid, that one. On top of that, he said we weren’t good for each other if I kept calling him in tears demanding why he wouldn’t put a ring on my finger. Obviously, I’m not looking to get married anytime soon, I just wanted an exclusive real long-distance relationship. And so Guy 1 dumped me. Merely three hours after Guy 2.
In retrospect, I was playing with fire and was bound to get burnt. Although, I thought I’d at least have time to heal from the first-degree scolding, but the third-degree hit came right after.
Funny thing is, I find the entire ordeal so hilarious, I can’t bring myself to be upset. And, the best part is, I already have a date for Friday. So ladies, I guess there’s really only one piece of advice my love-life can provide: “There’s plenty of fucking fish in the sea.”
