I am tired of the news only reporting the worst and most DEPRESSING parts of the world. We could all be a lot happier, if only we were flooded with some positivity now and again. It is time to break the habit and craft some new news.

Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump Say "Just Kidding!"

The election is starting over. Everyone was just pretending to be literally the worst.

Pandas No Longer Endangered

In fact they are everywhere; every country, every state, every city. And, they are open to cuddle 24/7.

Kesha Freed- Too Free

The #FreeKesha movement has worked. She rose up. But she rose too high. She is now the supreme dictator. ALL HAIL KESHA.

SMASH Not Actually Cancelled

The cast and writers have ignored all the bad reviews. The Broadway nerds are rejoicing. Season 3 is jammed with jams.

Chipotle to Enter Public School Cafeterias

Moldy pizza and lukewarm pudding are replaced everywhere with black beans and corn salsa. And, the guac is NOT extra.

New Yankee Candle Announced: Target Aisles

The greatest smell known to man is now in waxy flammable form. You can buy a candle of the very Target scent you are buying that candle from. Magic.

Ice Age Done Making Sequels

Ice Age 11, which takes place in a Volcano, has concluded. Dreamworks announced it stopped beating that dead mammoth.

Netflix Announces New Special, "Oprah Just Chilling"

SHE IS BACK. Queen of giving stuff away has just declared she is launching a brand new show; in which you can watch her, at her home, just chillin'

More Dogs than Ever

Everyone has 3 dogs. World peace is officially achieved. War is over. All are happy.

Black Gospel Choir to Follow You Everywhere

Every step you take is now, by law, to be followed by the vocal runs of 7 lovely black women adorned in chorus robes. (my life dream to be honest)