Recently, I've noticed an article rising to the surface of social media and being shared on my Facebook feed.
It's an article on Thought Catalogue, much like the types of articlesposted on asocial journalismplatform like this very one, advocating for women to engage in toxic relationships. It wasn't some twisted form of satire nor exactly what I would call empowering. It was an entirely serious article encouraging women to go through relationships that produce emotional trauma and package it up in forms of degradation and psychological sucker punches.
Notice the hazardous label on your relationship and ignore it; actually, instead strive to find the label and stick with it until it falls off.
“Find someone who never texts you back and always lets you initiate plans and never makes an effort. Find someone who belittles you and makes you question their feelings because they can never be bothered to take two seconds to tell you. Find someone who uses you and who makes you feel disposable and who can never seem to be there when you actually need them.
I first read the article on my lunch break at work. I sat down with my panini in a quiet corner of the dining hall and began to read the article that had been popping up all over my Facebook feed. I read the passage quoted above and felt my skin crawl. The tiny baby hairs on the back of my neck lifted and my heartbeat suddenly felt much slower, the air I was breathing momentarily felt like molasses.
Each guideline advised in the passage was something I'd experienced and though I was over a year removed from it, I could still feel everything.
"Be with someone who doesn’t care about your needs, your wants, your ambitions, your thoughts. Find someone who never asks about your family and disappoints you repeatedly and never says they’re sorry. Find someone who doesn’t care about you.”
I felt his hands around my throat, his fingers grasping my tiny wrist. I heard that voice like heroin starting to implant it’s needle into my forearm and thought, Please no, not again. I felt my body curl up into its tortoise shell. I’m still not good enough.
"And then date them. Fall for them. Go blind to their behavior. Make excuses for them and justify why you’re the only one who gets them, who knows who they really are. Pretend like everything is fine and convince yourself it is."
His hands were detached from his ears because he didn’t understand when I said “no,” it didn’t mean “try harder.” Perhaps I liked the games we played when he locked the door and I saw the devil’s grin dancing in his irises, but when he suddenly forgot the meaning of “No” and began punishing me more often for trivial things, it wasn’t a game we played anymore. It was his board, I was his piece, and he was maneuvering me so he always won.
"Convince yourself that you can change them, that you are the only person who understands them and why they are the way they are. Believe that if you stick around, they will change and they will love you even more for always being there when they weren’t the person you needed them to be."
It’s no secret my previous relationship was bad, bad news – I’ve written about it enough, but because I’ve had experience within the realm of emotional trauma, I can honestly say to look for something like that is the worst ambition/goal to have.
Her article is a form of saying "Let someone walk all over you to teach you how to stand." Youcan'tstand after someone steamrolls over you again, and again, andagain. Every single piece of you is shattered, your bones are fractured -- you are only fragments of what you were before the relationship.
The danger of a toxic relationship might be transparent when first looked upon, but its transparency shouldn't mask its gravity. There are serious consequences of an abusive relationship, no matter what the scale of abuse might be. Every piece of you is shattered, and it takes months, sometimes years, to regain any shred of confidence you once had in yourself.
I believe the author had good intentions and the article itself wasn’t meant to serve as actually advocating abusive or toxic relationships. However, whatever positive or good intentions the author might have initially had or meant to construe were obliterated and lost within the rubble of her craft. Instead of focusing on finding your worth as a woman and a human being, there was an emphasis on how damaging and toxic the relationships should be for you to actually discover that you’re worth something – and just so you know, you’re worth everything.
I don't regret my experience, but I would never encourage it. What the article fails to mention is when you realize all the damage he has wrecked on you, you can't forget it. Yes, you absolutely realize you never want to be treated like you're less than the scum on his shoe and you say you won't stand for it, the reminder of the pain will always be silently existing in the back of your heart and your head, like an undetectable benign tumor.
You shouldn't wait for someone to tell you are nothing to realize you are everything. You shouldn't look for someone who doesn't appreciate and love your details and quirks. You shouldn't look for someone who will destroy your esteem just so you can work on rebuilding a foundation when you're left alone sitting amongst the debris.
You should not look for someone who treats you like shit. There are so many articles out there about waiting for someone that deserves you and treats you right because that's what you should do. Life happens and we all have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince, but please, don't settle. Don't settle for abuse, for neglect, for disrespect. Don't wait for someone to treat you like crap to realize you deserve someone who looks at you and sees all of your beauty dripping from your pores.
I understand it's hard to appreciate something so wonderful and beautiful until you've gone through something painful, however to basically advocate toxic relationships is out of the question.
