I was shopping at Target the other day for headphones that I’ll lose in four days when I found myself in the clothes section for men. After browsing their sweet jeans I went to the tops aisle when I had a realization so grand I nearly dropped to the floor. This was an epiphany to end all epiphanies. It explained why I had been feeling irritable for the past 8 years of my existence. I was looking at the medley of graphic T-shirts when I felt my heart sink inside of my chest. I could hardly breathe. I couldn’t contain myself because every single T-shirt was TOO DAMN FUNNY.

Come on just look at those things! It’s actually inhumane that the execs at Target put these choking hazards in stores for people to wear in public. You might as well inject laughing gas into our entire oxygen supply. I mean holy cow. What wit!

When I was young my life was so peaceful. I would joke around with my friends at school. Kick a ball or two during recess. Pretend to do classwork when I was actually drawing Super Saiyan 3 Goku over and over in my notebook.

When 2:30 hit and school got out I would just walk home and play my Gameboy Advance SP until I fell asleep on the couch. I consumed the media I wanted under my own power. Nothing was forced upon me or shoved in my face to get my attention.

However once I entered middle school, I noticed a dramatic shift in the subtle nuances of the world around me. Instead of my friends sporting the classic plain primary colored shirts, they opted for more adventurous outerwear. Their shirts now had graphic designs on them. This was the beginning of the end.

First came the designs. Then it was text over the designs. Then came the fully evolved form: the design with funny text under the graphic. This is where my world began to implode on itself.

The realization I made at Target that day is funny T-shirts have officially ruined comedy. They’ve effectively oversaturated the market. Within 5 minutes of leaving my house I walk by at least a dozen t-shirts that are ROFLMAO worthy. How am I supposed to concentrate on my thoughts with all this great material just flopping around all over the place. I don’t think people realize the magnitude of the situation.

I remember a time when I could actually enjoy sitcoms and stand up specials. Nowadays, I just get my humor fix by walking outside. It sucks that I literally don’t have the energy to turn on a comedy flick once I get home.

Getting my cravings satisfied AGAINST MY WILL is an absolute nightmare. This is like if I were hungry and wanted a chipotle burrito after class. Then someone stuck a perfectly crafted Five Guys burger on my desk. It’s kind of nice but there's no consideration for my preferences. What am I supposed to do? Not eat the burger? I don’t have that type of self-control. Maybe I wanted a burrito to satisfy my hunger. Maybe I wanted to laugh at an old rerun of George Lopez. The point is you can’t control what you love and I love two things bigly: food and funny.

I’m constantly being assaulted by comedy and I HATE IT. My laughter XP for the day is completely wiped by 2pm. I am pro-choice and I believe that people should have the right do what they want, when they want and how they want.

Funny t-shirts have permanently ruined my entertainment regimen and I’m ticked. If any of you know the execs at Target or other funny t-shirt distributors, please forward this to them. Or better yet, I'm going to start a petition with change.org. I’m ready to nail these a-holes. I want my freedom back.