Fall in the Greek world, aside from Football games in Death Valley, means weekend after weekend of Sorority functions. Whether it’s KD bonfire, AXO grab-a-guy, $5 prom, or just your occasional crush party, the parties and social events just keep on coming. With the recent indefinite suspension of Fraternity social events, we are blessed with the ability to pick and choose who gets the privilege of attending our functions, because everyone is just dying to go. 

Here are a few tips for nailing the ideal function date, you know, the kind who will make it on the bus back, or even share a bottle of Andre at Overtime afterwards with you.   

The Set-Up: This is risky business. Make sure you trust the friend or sister who is “setting you up.” There’s nothing worse than getting a text Wednesday before the function that your date is flaking, because to be honest, he probably doesn’t know you and won’t feel that bad if something else comes up. More importantly, make sure that sister’s adjectives to describe him include “fun” or “cute” or “won’t throw up on the bus.” These are essentials. Sometimes the set-up is a huge success! Sometimes it is a crash and burn, should-have-invited-my-gay-best-friend experience. That brings me to…  

The GBF (Gay Best Friend): This guy is your dream date. He will tell you you look hot, stock up on fireball mini bottles, and kill the dance floor scene. Ultimately, he is the most pressure-free, non-awkward date. You can crush a plate of meatballs without his judgment. He is guaranteed to instagram a picture of you two (the most flattering photo of the night, obviously) and support you meeting up with some cute guy you’ve had your eye on downtown afterwards. Some see the gay best friend as a back up, but in my eyes he is always number one.   

The Boyfriend: So you have a boyfriend. Congrats! You are one of the lucky ones, who don’t face the agonizing “is it too soon to ask?” process of sealing the deal. You probably don’t even need to formally ask him, although I don’t know, maybe guys like when you ask anyways. Hopefully you are the kind of couple who act like the life of the party, because aside from that couple, this date is pretty annoying to others. Nobody likes the couple that fights and cries all night. Alternatively, the so in love couple is equally obnoxious. We get it. You’re in love. Sure I’ll take a picture of you, but please don’t disturb me while my GBFF and I are inhaling meatballs and mozzarella sticks or starting a dance circle.   

The awkward-in-between: You’ve been hooking up on and off, but ultimately, have no idea what you are or what he thinks of you. How soon is too soon to ask? It’s all such a delicate, agonizing process, that makes you want to decide to not even go and eat a plate of el Jim bites instead. Ask him. Maybe not more than three weeks in advance (because you are not a crazy person) but take a leap of faith. Chances are you will have a blast and it won’t be as relationship determining as you think. There’s a small chance it will go horribly, in that case, nachos are $6.00 and taste just as good as having a boyfriend feels.  

Whatever direction you decide do go in this function season, choose wisely. Standards calls are real life. Stories of girls catching dates throw up in their bare hands to avoid a bus cleaning fee are not just urban myths. May the function gods be ever in you favor.