Dear Friend,
I'm sorry I cancelled our plans. It's not because I don't think you matter or that I don't value our time together, it's just because my brain is telling me to do a million things at once. My homework isn't just homework, it's to-do lists and schedules and constant re-checking that things are in order. I need a lot of time to process the things I have to do and also the things I don't have to do, but feel I need to do anyway. I'm sorry.
I apologize for being nervous about going to new places. I'm actually really social, but I always think people are judging me. The thing is, I know that there's nothing to worry about, but that doesn't help me. I worry anyway. I know you say, "You did everything you could. Just have some fun," but I can't. Because there's more to do. There's more I think I have to do.
And listen, I know you're trying to help me, but you can't. I'm a classic control-freak when it comes to my lists and my organized room. My life has to be clean for my mind to be quiet. I don't hear voices and I'm not crazy, but my brain never shuts off. I'm envious that you can binge-watch your favorite show on Netflix, but I can't relax like you can. I feel guilty for ignoring everything my mind says needs to be completed now.
I'm sorry for being the "mom" of our friend group. I need you to text me when you get home safely because if you don't, I'll be up all night wondering where you are and what could have, but didn't, happen to you. I need you to call me when you're struggling, because I always want to help, even when I can't help myself.
You're going to tell me there's no need to keep apologizing, but I will anyway because I care about what you think of me. I'm anxious about being anxious. I need you to know this about me because you're my friend and there are ways you can help me.
First, when I "freak out" about something, just ignore me. I'll be okay on my own and I don't need lectures. I know I'm being ridiculous and reason will set in eventually. Second, if I say something is making me uncomfortable more than once, please don't keep pressuring me. Just reassure me that it's okay. Third, I need you to realize that I do have fun, but sometimes it has to be on my terms and when I'm comfortable. I hate to be a buzzkill, but sometimes I need to do things to calm my mind or I need to go to bed early. It doesn't mean I love you guys any less, it just means that I need to take care of myself.
I hope you understand where I'm coming from. My friends give me consistency when my mind takes off and throws me in a million directions. You keep me sane and I'm so grateful you're in my life.
Love,
Your Friend With Anxiety
