To all the men and women who have experienced sexual assault: may my story give you strength and hope. May you know that you are not alone. There are others who understand the struggle and have made it through. To the friends and families of survivors: read my story and please share it with others to promote awareness about sexual assault, the effects on the survivor's life, and some solutions to coping with the trauma.
Pictured above is one of my entries from a journal I was encouraged to start to aid in my recovery from sexual assault. On occasion, I go back and read my entries. It is both encouraging and heartbreaking in that it shows my growth over the past year but it also stirs up some very painful memories. Although the entry above is the shortest of my journal entries, I believe it to be the most powerful. It truly encapsulates my very being as a sexual assault survivor, and it tears me apart to know there are others out there who feel the same way. I have come quite some way since this very to-the-point journal entry. I want to share my story about sexual assault, how it changed my life, and how I have transformed from a victim to a survivor.
The Night That Changed My Life
No one expects to be raped. I didn't go out to eat expecting someone to follow me home without my permission, especially not a stranger. I pull into my apartment parking lot and almost immediately someone I vaguely recognized was knocking on my car door window. I was confused. Maybe he was just making sure I made it home safely. Maybe I forgot something at the restaurant. It didn't feel right. I get out of my car and he walks me to the door. At this point, I am still trying to be polite and tell him I'm going to bed. However, he doesn't leave. He stands in my doorway and I ask him to leave again. This time, he steps into my apartment so I get more aggressive. I push him and tell him to leave now and still he doesn't leave. He grabs me. He violates me. He rapes me. A million thoughts raced through my mind. I wanted to scream but I was frozen with fear. There was no escaping. Why is this happening? Why wouldn't he leave? Finally, he's done with me. It probably lasted twenty minutes but it felt like hours. What caused this? Why didn't he listen to me when I said no? I dragged myself to bed and cried myself to sleep.
Waking up the next day, I was immediately hit with a wave of confusion and disgust. What happened the night before wasn't sex. I questioned myself saying, "Maybe it was just sex I didn't like," but I didn't want any of that to happen. At the time, I didn't know what to call it. I tried to continue my usual routine for the next few days but the unease never lifted. I felt paranoid wherever I went. I felt unsafe in my own home. I felt dead inside. I was in shock.
Once the bruising on my arms and legs turned a deep purple, reality set in. I had been hurt; physically, emotionally, and mentally. Everything was not OK. It wasn't sex. I had been raped. I felt ashamed and powerless. I was angry that I wasn't smart enough to have gotten out of the situation. I questioned whether or not it was my fault. Soon I would find out that it wasn't my fault, I couldn't have prevented it, and I had nothing to be ashamed of.
The Road to Recovery
Once I was ready to face the music and decided I couldn't live another day with my miserable psyche, I reached out to the rape response program at The Crisis Center in Birmingham, AL. Although I was terrified to get help and talk about the rape, my need for support in the situation far outweighed my fear of the unknown.
After arriving at the crisis center and speaking and crying with one of the victim advocates, I felt a slight tinge of hope. For the first time since the assault, I felt heard and understood. Don't get me wrong. This wasn't a miraculous healing where everything got better in an instant. It's rarely that way with anything in life, but it was a beginning.
I began to meet with a counselor who specialized in sexual assault to help me work through my trauma and deal with the baggage that came along with it. This was no easy task and I soon came to the realization that it would be worse before it got better, just as my counselor had informed me. Although painful and emotionally draining, talking about the assault and how it made me feel was a good thing.
I wasn't burying my experience and pretending it never happened, only to have it sprout of the ground, grab me by the heels, and drag me down to the grave with it. I was hurt and afraid, but I sure as hell wasn't going to allow the rape to kill the beautiful, intelligent, compassionate person that I am.
Neither should you.
Through counseling, I was able to learn many coping mechanisms as well as the importance of self love. I learned that I am not the sum of my experiences, although my experiences have taken a part in shaping me into the woman that I am today, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I've learned that it's OK to cry. Actually, it's more than OK; it's healthy! As terrible as it seemed, sitting with my emotions, processing them and mourning over my experience is how I was able to start the healing process.
If I have accomplished nothing else by sharing my story, I hope that I have encouraged those who have experienced sexual assault. I want you to know that there is a path to recovery, though it be difficult. There is healing, peace, and happiness.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, here are some resources that you can utilize. You are not alone. Also, you can use these resources to find out more about how to get involved in promoting sexual assault awareness.
RAINN
The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. Recognized as the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organizations. Provides information, support, resources, and help to get you through. Carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help victims, and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-HOPE (4673) Available 24/7.
Provides victims of sexual assault with free, confidential services 24/7.
Men Against Rape
“Creating Cultures Free from Violence” Their mission is to mobilize men and use their political and cultural strength to create a culture free from violence, particularly men’s violence against women.
National Sexual Violence Resource Center
The NSVRC’s Mission is to provide leadership in preventing and responding to sexual violence through collaboration, sharing and creating resources, and promoting research.
