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From The Writer's Room

A glimpse into the fast-paced world of non-professional blogging

Nolan Nightingale

Mar 07, 2018

Susquehanna University

janeb13

A lot of people have asked me what exactly what it's like writing as a columnist on Odyssey (I mean, they actually haven't, but this concept for an article struck me as funny). To properly convey the high-pressure world of non-paid internet columnists, I decided to steal the transcript of one of our recent meetings (Which totally exist. Don't question it.). Enjoy.

4:38 PM, 2/12/18

Elsie (Editor in Chief): Alright assholes, we need some motherfucking Valentine's Day articles and we need them now.

Nolan (Smart-ass writer): And get the woman some pictures of Spider-man while you're at it, Freshman scum!

Elsie: Nolan...I will personally rip your throat out and use it for type-writer ribbon.

Nolan: Understood, boss.

Elsie: I'm seeing a lot of new faces in here today, most of them Freshmen...so we'll have Sue talk to all of you real quick.

Sue (Assistant Editor): Alright, alright, alright, new faces! And technically the term is First-Years, guys.

Nolan: I would like the record to reflect that she dabbed on her way up here and then proceeded to do finger-guns.

Elsie: Nolan!

Nolan: I know, I know...rip my throat out and all that.

Elsie: Actually, I've changed my mind. I want to tear your arms off, use them as drum sticks, and perform the drum solo from "Tom Sawyer" with them.

Nolan: That would be so impressive, I'm not even sure I'd be mad.

Elsie: Sue, proceed.

Sue: Well, as all of you know-AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Elsie: What?

Sue: There was a giant cockroach right on the ground! It was crawling around.

Nolan: Oh yeah, I saw that the other day. It's gross. I named it Steven.

Elsie: Why didn't you tell any of us that we had an infestation?

Nolan: ...For the meme?

Elsie: I hate everything about you. Alright, everyone hit me with your article pitches. Nolan, I see your hand. I'm still not calling on you.

Nolan: Why?

Elsie: Your article is just gonna be a real meta concept that won't get too many page views because it's so far up its own ass.

Nolan: That's not all it'll be...There will be dick jokes, too.

Elsie: Aren't you just the Vonnegut of your generation?

Nolan: And I have far worse problems than my dick jokes, thank you very much.

Elsie: Like what?

Nolan: I never know how to end an article.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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From The Writer's Room

A glimpse into the fast-paced world of non-professional blogging

Subscribe to our Newsletter

All names should be "unisex names."

1. Communicating via email can be awkward.

2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.

3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.

4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.

5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.

6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.

7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.

8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”

9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.

10. People are surprised when they see you.

11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.

12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.

13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.

You know that all of these things apply to you. You'll just never tell.

I get it... I'm pale.

1. At least I can't lose you in a crowd!

2. Oh my goodness your skin is like glow-in-the-dark.

3. Can't you just get fake tan?

4. Do you tan or just burn?

5. Your kids are going to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost!

6. *holds arm against your arm* Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. *holds pale arm against another pale arm* Aw, at least you're darker than her!

8. I laid out by the pool almost every day over break!

9. I haven't used sunscreen since I was, like, five.

10. *adjusts selfie lighting to their face* Oops, where'd you go??

11. *after working out* Your face is SO red!

12. *wears white* Look! You're all one color!

13. You need to get some sun.

14. Aren't you excited for summer?

The struggle bus is real.

1. Child prodigies:

2. Hearing other musicians in the practice room next door and accepting that you will never be as talented as them:

3. That anxiety that takes over before every performance:

4. Taking a million 0 credit classes:

5. When there's a paper due the next day, but you have to attend yet another concert in order to pass a 0 credit class:

6. When your friends try to encourage you after a performance, even though you are criticizing everything in your mind:

7. Knowing that there's always that one professor during juries:

8. The oh-so-attractive band/choir uniforms:

9. Realizing that a college campus is maybe not the best atmosphere to finish your latest composition:

10. Hearing "Oh, you sing opera? I LOVE Phantom of the Opera!" for the hundredth time:

11. When people think finals week is a breeze for you.

12. When you're drowning in the stress that comes with 18+ credits (and not to mention all those 0 credit classes) and people ask you how you are:

13. When it all comes down to it, though, you know that at the end of the day, music is your passion:

Because you need it in your life.

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6. holds arm against your arm Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. holds pale arm against another pale arm Aw, at least you're darker than her!

10. adjusts selfie lighting to their face Oops, where'd you go??

11. after working out Your face is SO red!

12. wears white Look! You're all one color!