It's interesting to look back on your life and see how much you've changed over time. When I was little, I was extroverted. I was the kid always getting in trouble for not being able to stop talking in class. In elementary/middle school years, I was mildly bullied. I was a bit heavy for my age growing up, and I also had health problems that had forbidden physical activity in fear that the problems would escalate. When you have cysts inside your spine, it's a risk of permanent paralysis. I had to quit the swim team. I don't remember everything that happened, but I do remember people being dared to ask me out. This gave me a trust complex that makes it hard to believe someone's actually interested. This is something I've mostly gotten rid of by now, but it's still there. Later in my life, I thought about my childhood. I didn't care about what I looked like or what people thought. When you're a kid that stuff doesn't matter. What happened?

I guess somewhere along the line, a combination of everything that happened lead to developing social anxiety. It became a big part of who I was in high school. I didn't talk to most of my classmates, kept to myself and a few close friends. It probably didn't help that one of the friends had an attitude of "They're all jerks, we don't need them" (which wasn't true). I also had a scene phase, which probably didn't help my case. I was always worried about what people thought of me; I didn't talk much because I didn't want to embarrass myself. I tried to be as unobtrusive and invisible as possible, always having my head down. I can't stand inconveniencing people or being a burden. It's something I've always been afraid of. I'm the person who apologizes constantly. I even say sorry and duck when I have to walk between people in the hallway. Friends say "Why did you say sorry? You have as much right to be here as anyone else." Maybe I didn't see it.

I still spend more time listening and thinking than speaking. Quiet people have the loudest minds. Something that I get a lot is "She doesn't say much but when she does it's like I really want to hear what she has to say." I guess since introverts are more inward thinkers and observers, it's easier for us to see multiple perspectives and see things differently. We also tend to be more empathetic and feel deeply. I've always tried to be nice to everyone because everyone's fighting their own battles. Later in high school, I started opening up more, people recognized me as the shy but nice kid. People actually started to get to know me, and I got to know them. Even though in the beginning of college, I could go through the whole school day saying probably less than 10 words.

I've had self-acceptance issues for most of my life and I think that pushes people away further. If you can't see your value, how can other people? If you don't respect yourself, others won't respect you. I was always down on myself, and that's probably part of what made people lose interest. There are so many things people don't know about me because I'm quiet. Once I get comfortable around people, I begin to open up. Sometimes people don't stick around long enough to reach that. Sometimes it takes a while because trust is important and I'm cautious about who I open up to, scared that it might be the wrong people. But the ones who lost interest or gave up, there are a lot of cool things they'll never get to know.

Good news is that, like a lot of things in life, it gets better. Most of the things I mentioned don't apply anymore. It's a lot easier to talk to people now. I'm still shy sometimes but that's just me. I went through some things that opened my eyes. I learned that I have value. I started taking care of myself and got more into shape. With all of this comes confidence, something that's new to me. I started pushing myself more and more out of my comfort zone, learning that there are so many awesome things out there to find. There is a certain rush in doing things that you were always afraid to do. Being a lead/rhythm guitarist in a band and playing on stage, you kind of have to break out of your shyness anyways. Eventually, you realize that people aren't always going to judge you. Even if they do, it doesn't really matter. They might actually like to get to know you. I don't regret any of my experiences, they really have shaped who I am today. I'd choose shy and inferior/humble over egotistical and narcissistic any day. Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them when they're having a rough time, I like to do that. Everything happens for a reason, I like to think that every experience gives me new perspectives and advice for helping others someday. These are the reasons I'm studying to be a therapist.

I suppose the point is that life is short, sometimes you need to break out of your comfort zone to really live. You might be surprised. And "just be yourself" is such a cliché but it really is the best thing.