The concept of vicarious trauma is one that many in the helping professions are aware of. Vicarious trauma is trauma that is incurred by those who are exposed to the trauma of others and have to relive that trauma with them as they tell their story. For those who work with trauma in domestic violence shelters or rape crisis centers, this concept makes sense. But what about others? Most people are not faced with careers in trauma, however; many people may not know they have even been exposed to vicarious trauma among their friends.
Many studies show that minority groups, such as the queer community, have incredibly high rates of trauma and abuse. When someone comfortable in their social circle decides to share their trauma with their friends, it is incredibly freeing. For those of us who identify as the "mom friend," it is an incredibly high honor to have someone trust you enough to share their story with you. We only want to help those we care about. Sometimes, however, many people in a certain friend group will each have their own traumas that they all share with you, since you are the person who everyone trusts.
You become not only everyone’s friend but also their counselor and therapist -- without the schooling or the degree. You try your best to help your friends who cut, who are suicidal, who have been sexually assaulted, who have depression and anxiety, among other trauma. The constant disclosure and reliving of trauma becomes an incredibly hard weight to bear, especially for those who have no idea what vicarious trauma is.
You begin to feel bad about being traumatized by these stories because it’s not like you lived them, right? You feel guilty for being too worn out to help friends and you worry that if something bad happens to them, then it’s your fault.
I want you to know that no matter what, it’s not your fault and you are allowed to be worn out; you’re not a robot. It’s hard to be everyone’s confidant, and many people want their friends to trust them and still come to them with their problems. So how do you keep from being victimized by your friends and loved ones victimizations? The first step is always self-care.
Self-care is the act of making sure that you have debriefed with yourself and done something de-stress and become centered and balanced again. Self-care can be anything you enjoy such as, writing, cycling, heavy metal rock concerts, or chess. Do things that make you happy, so that you can separate your life from your loved ones lives for a little while. This isn’t selfish, it’s making sure your mental health doesn’t suffer.
When your friend's trauma becomes your trauma, you can begin to experience the same feelings of fear and anxiety that your friends do. It’s even common for some people to get PTSD after a long time of being exposed to others trauma. Always make sure you take care of yourself, you’re doing good work and I’m sure your friends want you to be happy too.
