Though we have been friends for a while, you have me questioning if I ever really knew you and even more, if we were ever really friends. How could a friend of mine, someone I truly value, look up to, and admire, treat people the way you have? I will be the first to admit that I have made my fair share of mistakes, many of which have hurt those I love and left me with nothing.

The difference between you and I, though, is that I learn from my mistakes. I know how to apologize, I repent until I have nothing left, and I will not stop until I know that the hurt I have selfishly caused is healed. You, though, can’t even tell the truth when you know you are in the wrong.

I don’t hate you, I don’t dislike you, and I do not wish ill upon you, but I do feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you that you struggle with telling the truth because lies get you nowhere. I feel sorry for you that you continue to let guys bring out the worst in you. I feel sorry for you that you lost a friend like me and the love of my family.

Perhaps it’s not how you’ve changed over the course of our friendship, but how you haven’t that upsets me the most. I remember being afraid of you in junior high and in high school. It sounds silly, saying I was afraid of one of my best friends, but I saw what you did to people. If I ever did anything you didn’t like, it was you and all our friends against me. Even then, I tried so hard to get you to like me, to win your affections so I could be a member of your selective group. I thought that once I was in, everything would be okay – I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. Man, I was wrong.

I guess it was the joy that being associated with you brought me that kept me around. Well that and how I loved saying I was still friends with my best friends from high school. It wasn’t all bad; you taught me a lot of things. We laughed, we grew together, and we got very close. You were there for me when I didn’t know who I was. You showed me what confidence looks like, teaching me how to be content with who I am, no matter how weird I may be. We shared clothes, friends, and lots and lots of amazing times. In fact, much of my best memories include you.

Although, when I saw you hating girls for talking to an ex of yours, turning friends against one another because you didn’t like one person, and even accusing me of wanting attention when I told you I had an eating disorder, I think I knew that we would never really stay friends. You did keep me hopeful, though.

I saw you transform into this seemingly selfless and beautiful person not only on the outside like always, but on the inside as well. You asked me how my relationship is, you called me to have long phone conversations, and you visited me at my school. When we would reunite, it was like nothing had even changed.

Yes, you’ve made new friends and a life for yourself, but the same maniacal, devious, and down-right hateful side of you is still there. It wouldn’t be normal if we lost our entire personality as we evolve, but having the same attitude and pettiness that you had in high school is just sad.

I thought you were this real, selfless, mature, and evolved person. Again, I was wrong. I don’t know what’s sadder, the fact that I believed you were the person I always hoped you would be, or the fact that you let something so irrelevant and honestly childish and pathetic ruin our friendship. I pictured a life with you – visiting you wherever you end up, inviting you to my wedding, sharing playdates with our kids like we always joked about.

I looked forward to telling your kids about all the dumb shit we did. You would call me and I would give you a break from being a mom so you could go get a manicure or take an extra-long workout. We would continue growing together. I was so excited to see the woman you would become and to finally see you move on from all the things that hold you back – your vengeful attitude, that intense anger that overtakes you in the heat of the moment, and your ability to make people feel terrible about themselves with seemingly little to no remorse.

I’m not saying this is the end of our journey. What I’m saying is, you aren’t who I thought you were and that breaks my heart. The fact that you didn’t even have the decency to reach out to me immediately after you were in the wrong tells me what you think of me and our friendship and that hurts more than I can say. I forgive you, but I am done being afraid of you. I am done wasting time on you that you never gave back to me. I’m done desperately gripping onto something that doesn’t mean to you what it does to me.

I guess in a way, I’m thankful you taught me this lesson. I’m thankful for you teaching me how to stand up for myself, the value of honesty, and how important family is.

I wish you the very best. I pray that you become the woman I know you can be and that you do amazing things with your life.

Best of luck,

A former friend.